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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Action/Adventure Scripts  ›  Revenge Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: March 8th, 2014, 1:28pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Revenge by Anthony Brooks - Action, Adventure - A New York detective loses his family and is betrayed by his partner of the law now he riskes his career and life to get them back.  94 pages - pdf, format


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Lono
Posted: March 9th, 2014, 10:42pm Report to Moderator
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Anthony,

Your logline needs work, It reads awkwardly. Unfortunately, most readers will probably pass on the script because of it. I decided to take a quick look.  I got to page four and couldn't continue.

The second page of the script was the deal breaker for me. The Stranger sets a house ablaze, yet, in the same scene authorities are there investigating? You didn't indicate a scene change, very confusing.

Your action lines make no sense. I wouldn't even consider them proper screenplay language.

I have never heard of a "heavenly armed" police man before. I assume you meant "heavily armed". Typos like this should be fixed before you even think of submitting anything.

Sorry to say, but the script is unreadable IMO. Keep writing. There is a ton of resources out there to point you in the right direction.

Best of luck with the writing.

Lono.

Revision History (3 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Lono  -  March 9th, 2014, 10:56pm
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Dreamscale
Posted: March 10th, 2014, 9:33am Report to Moderator
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Yep, Lono is correct.  Abysmally written log = awkward, run-on sentence, typos, just plain old terrible.

Not remotely surprised what follows isn't readable.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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B
Posted: March 18th, 2014, 2:05pm Report to Moderator
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I got through five(at work so it's hard to do a lot of reading at once).

Reading it I somehow manged to add commas and periods and take words out while adding new ones in my head.

It's rough man. Hard to read and the dialog is kind of lame.

I had a good laugh at "...there's cop's everywhere..."
The cops own everywhere.

Work on it man. Honestly I don't think I'm going to continue it. Rewrite and post again man.

-B
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