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Revenge (currently 1156 views)
Posted: March 8th, 2014, 1:28pm
So, what are you writing?
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by Anthony Brooks - Action, Adventure - A New York detective loses his family and is betrayed by his partner of the law now he riskes his career and life to get them back. 94 pages - pdf, format
Posted: March 9th, 2014, 10:42pm
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Your logline needs work, It reads awkwardly. Unfortunately, most readers will probably pass on the script because of it. I decided to take a quick look. I got to page four and couldn't continue. The second page of the script was the deal breaker for me. The Stranger sets a house ablaze, yet, in the same scene authorities are there investigating? You didn't indicate a scene change, very confusing. Your action lines make no sense. I wouldn't even consider them proper screenplay language. I have never heard of a "heavenly armed" police man before. I assume you meant "heavily armed". Typos like this should be fixed before you even think of submitting anything. Sorry to say, but the script is unreadable IMO. Keep writing. There is a ton of resources out there to point you in the right direction. Best of luck with the writing. Lono.
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Posted: March 10th, 2014, 9:33am
Of The Ancients
Yes, that is my real hair...
Cave Creek, AZ
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Yep, Lono is correct. Abysmally written log = awkward, run-on sentence, typos, just plain old terrible.
Not remotely surprised what follows isn't readable.
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Posted: March 18th, 2014, 2:05pm
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I got through five(at work so it's hard to do a lot of reading at once).
Reading it I somehow manged to add commas and periods and take words out while adding new ones in my head. It's rough man. Hard to read and the dialog is kind of lame. I had a good laugh at "...there's cop's everywhere..." The cops own everywhere. Work on it man. Honestly I don't think I'm going to continue it. Rewrite and post again man. -B
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