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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Social Good Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: March 16th, 2014, 8:23am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Social Good by Bobby Hudson (Naribu) - Short, Sci Fi, Fantasy - A family must watch hand their daughter over to the government for the social good. 6 pages - word, format


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B
Posted: March 16th, 2014, 11:43am Report to Moderator
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Bobby-

Read your script man. Longline read a little funny.

I liked the idea.

One thing I didn't like was the dialog at the end with Mr. Bell. Didn't feel, well, real to me. Felt like Mr. Bell was duing exactly what your trying to have him do, explain. I didn't really like that. Wouldn't the family already know everything he's saying? Does that make since?

Also there's quite a few spelling/grammar mistakes.

-B
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dogglebe
Posted: March 16th, 2014, 1:38pm Report to Moderator
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Everything about this script is extremely wordy.  Dialogue.  Description.  You could easily cut this in half if you tighten things up.

When you describe things, do so in ways that we see and hear what's happening.


Quoted Text
The scene opens in the Lamberts' dining room. The Lamberts who are eating dinner is a family of four. Forty-three year old PHIL LAMBERT is husband to forty year old MOLLY LAMBERT.  Phil and Molly are parents to seventeen year old JANET LAMBERT and sixteen year old JACK LAMBERT. The Lamberts look like the typical American family. The only odd thing at this dinner scene is that the food they are eating looks like different colored mush with a brown slab thrown on their plates rather than what we usually expect food to look like.  The doorbell rings. Jack goes to open the front door.


would be better written as:


Quoted Text
PHIL LAMBERT (43) sits at the head of the dining room table, eating a mushy pasate from his plate.  Across from him, MOLLY LAMBERT (40), scoops some reddish mush onto her plate, next to a pile of beige mush.  MOLLY (17) and JACK (16) sit between them and eat.

The doorbell RINGS.  Jack stands up and walks to the fropnt door


You don't need to tell us that the four are a family; it's understood.  The same goes for it being strange that they're eating mush.  We would pick up on that right away.

The dialog, IMHO, is extremely weak and doesn't convey any urgency to the story.  We have a family about to lose their daughter and they seem as upset as if Dad found a parking ticket on his car.

Mister Bell's dialog was extremely artificial and on-the-nose.  He told us everything about the world in this story.

SPOILER SPACE SPOILER SPACE!!!
Soylent Green is people!
END SPOILER SPACE!!

Your characters don't need to explain everything to the reader.  Cut his role down to a quarter of what it is.  We can fill in the blanks.

Hope this helps.


Phil
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BobbyHudson
Posted: March 20th, 2014, 2:53pm Report to Moderator
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This is my first time ever posting anything and I really needed this honest feedback. It truly helps because I was thinking my screenplay was all that and ready to be made into a film. Thanks for all the great critique of my short screenplay. I will definitely consider what you have pointed out and re-write my script. Thanks again, Bobby.
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dogglebe
Posted: March 20th, 2014, 3:40pm Report to Moderator
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Read some scripts here, Bobby.  And critique tghem.  It's a great learning experience.


Phil
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Demento
Posted: March 20th, 2014, 9:45pm Report to Moderator
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You have to lose the explanation in the dialogue in the last few pages. It's too explanatory. Find a way to cut it and make it more subtle. You can't just flat out explain something like that. The characters know what's going on.

Maybe hint towards it. Or keep the story the guy tells about his own daughter being taken and lose the dialogue before it.


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TonyDionisio
Posted: March 20th, 2014, 9:57pm Report to Moderator
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Damnit, get to the point!

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Show don't tell.
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hawkeye
Posted: March 20th, 2014, 10:45pm Report to Moderator
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SOYLENT GREEN IS PEOPLE!!! PEOPLE I TELL YOU!!!!

Sorry. Couldn't help myself.


My web site and scripts can be found here:

Gary's web site
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TonyDionisio
Posted: March 20th, 2014, 10:54pm Report to Moderator
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Damnit, get to the point!

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I expected someone to yell: "It's a cook book!"
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Gum
Posted: March 21st, 2014, 12:22am Report to Moderator
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Hey Bobby;

Had a go at this, at 6 pages, why not.

OK, not to say the entire concept of eating flesh is 'Nuevo', but I get a kick out of it none the less, and I think you do too, that's why you wrote it.

Anyways, we caught a glimpse of it in Sweeny Todd, the Butcher of Baker Street with Mrs. Lovett serving up her macabre 'People Pies'. Then there's the whole 'Soylent Green' thing. Liquidating the dead and feeding them intravenously to the living in 'The Matrix', and of recently 'Cloud Atlas'.

Then taking the Sci-fi Fantasy to a new height of allegorical dissonance with your Avatar name 'Naribu', which roughly translates to 'Nibiru', the Dark Star, or 'Brown Dwarf', star of Marduk. Which incidentally is laden with the Reptilian Culture, of them being our genetic ancestors, who incidentally are still here as royalty, and still feed off of human flesh?

PHIL
"That rule is not always true because I heard that rich people eat orphan babies."

Right? No? OK, maybe I'm wrong, maybe it is just about feeding people human flesh to quell a food shortage, but then again, that's why GMO's are so prevalent

Take care... Rick
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Dustin
Posted: March 21st, 2014, 3:00am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

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I'm not going to say there aren't plenty of issues with this script in terms of how it has been written... but I like where it is coming from. I cringed at some of the OTN dialogue. Try not to explain everything through dialogue, look for ways to tell us visually. Delay the twist till right at the end.

The idea though is a good one and could do with tightening up. Correct your grammar, use the correct their, there and they're, etc. Get rid of the OTN dialogue.

I'm not sure that man-eating lizard-men can be discounted completely from the back story just yet though, but I suppose at its heart it is just about using children as a food source. Which is fine for a short. Be nice to see this story evolve a little.

Keep at it.


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LeeOConnor
Posted: June 10th, 2014, 5:58pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Bobby,  

I like the concept and where you where going with this, however I'm not a writing Guru myself so I won't give you a hard time. But here's just a few things that nagged me a little.

I'm not too keen on the opening paragraph. There's no need for the first sentence in my opinion, perhaps tell us a little about the setting rather than "the scene opens in Lambert's dining room.

Also your typical American family? I'm not sure what one is? So maybe tell us that they are a close, loving family, This will make the situation later more devastating.

And the food, a different colour mush with brown slob in the middle? I live in England and that sounds like the dish we refer to as Shepherds pie, so maybe tell us more about the expressions on their face while they eat, after all they are eating human. Maybe you were going for the mystery factor on the food until it was revealed later?

I am aware there is meant to be a shortage of food in this script but it comes across as if they don't mind eating it, rather than having no other choice.

But I do like the fact the Mr Bell is stern and that his security are just heartless, pulling Janet away as she says her goodbyes.

But all in all I quite enjoyed it.

Thanks

Lee
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