SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 28th, 2024, 6:44am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  I'm Counting Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 21 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    I'm Counting  (currently 2589 views)
Don
Posted: May 16th, 2014, 7:32pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
I'm Counting by Jimmy Smith - Short, Thriller - A mother uses counting to correct her kid's and it goes terribly wrong. 2 pages - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
Dreamscale
Posted: May 19th, 2014, 10:51am Report to Moderator
Guest User



Jimmy, if you're wondering why no one has reviewed or commented on your script, I can tell you now - the writing is terrible.

Whenever I see a realy dumb mistake in a logline, I know pretty well that it wil repeat itself throughout the script, and you didn't disappoint in that regard.

Jimmy, please learn how to use an apostraphe and what they are and what they're for.  It's beyond obvious you have no idea how to use them.

I'm out after the first 5 lines, because each one was just abysmally written with mistakes running rampant, as if they were in a parade.

Sorry, but this needs alot more than a little work...it needs ALOT!!!
Logged
e-mail Reply: 1 - 7
AnthonyCawood
Posted: May 19th, 2014, 12:14pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
UK
Posts
4319
Posts Per Day
1.14
You need to read through this and correct all the errors mentioned above, also quite instead of quiet is repeated a few times.

You want people to read your script to the end to give it a chance, they won't as it stands.

I did finish it and was a little confused by the end, I was expecting something different when she went to chastise the kids but it seems to be a fairly standard end... though liked the last line about what happens at 10.

Suggestion for the end... Mum enters the room, pulls out her own knife and slams the door shut... new end scene with mum listening to the kids play in another room but this time she says 'I'm counting - 1.2.'

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 2 - 7
Gary in Houston
Posted: May 19th, 2014, 1:00pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Texas
Posts
1306
Posts Per Day
0.32
Well, beyond all the grammatical errors, this story really doesn't seem to have a point, other than to provide shock value.  You need to focus on (A) the writing, which is too choppy and full of mistakes, (B) crafting a full story as opposed to a segment that seems to fall out of a larger story.  We don't need to see A, then B, then C, then D, in your story, but we need to have a little more to go on as to how we got from A to D.  Just showing us D and nothing else is not going to work as a script.

Good luck,

Gary


Some of my scripts:

Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly
I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner
The Gambler (short) - OWC winner
Skip (short) - filmed
Country Road 12 (short) - filmed
The Family Man (short) - filmed
The Journeyers (feature) - optioned

Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 7
DustinBowcot
Posted: May 23rd, 2014, 10:17am Report to Moderator
Guest User



I read it and it isn't that bad. The writer knows how to format a script and there's something of a story in there. I had to read it twice to get it, but I think the central theme is in regard to parental discipline.

The mother warning the children to be quiet or she will start counting is enough of a threat to scare one of the children into killing another so they keep quiet.

Weird tale. Yes the delivery could do with working on, there are some minor spelling and grammar issues. It needs more meat to get the point across. With some work it could be a good story.

Revision History (1 edits)
DustinBowcot  -  May 24th, 2014, 1:30am
continuity.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 4 - 7
Nomad
Posted: May 23rd, 2014, 11:23am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Southern California
Posts
721
Posts Per Day
0.15
Jimmy,

A few notes as I go:


  • You should have "FADE IN:" left justified at the top of your first page.  There are a lot of people who will argue that it's not needed, and to some extent I'm one of them.  However, unless you have an excellent reason to not use FADE IN, I'd use it.
  • You don't need to repeat your slugline in your opening action lines.  It's almost as if you wrote:


Quoted Text

EXT. SUBURBAN HOME FRONT AND STREET - DAY

A suburban street with a home and front yard with a lot of kids running around outside during the day.

It's redundant, pleonastic, and repetitious.

  • Your use of the apostrophe is incorrect.  Please read this article to get a better understanding.
  • Quite  
    adverb
    1. completely, wholly, or entirely: quite the reverse; not quite finished.  
    2. actually, really, or truly: quite a sudden change.  
    3. to a considerable extent or degree: quite small; quite objectionable.
  • Quiet
    adjective
    1. making no noise or sound, especially no disturbing sound: quiet neighbors.  
    2. free, or comparatively free, from noise: a quiet street.  
    3. silent: Be quiet!  
    4. restrained in speech, manner, etc.; saying little: a quiet person.  
    5. free from disturbance or tumult; tranquil; peaceful: a quiet life.

If you address these issues you could tighten this up to a copious page count of 1.

While I commend you for your desire to write, you need to learn how to write before you subject unwitting readers to your work.

Jordan


Read my scripts here:
SOCIAL EXPERIMENT 8pg-Drama
THE BRIDGE 8pg-Horror
SCHEISSE 6pg-Horror/Comedy
MADE FOR EACH OTHER-FILMED
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 - 7
Ledbetter
Posted: May 23rd, 2014, 3:00pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



Hi Jimmy,

I gave this a look and have some thoughts.

First off, congrats on finishing a script. You have the basics down and that’s
important.

It’s a cute story. She’s like a little lizzy Borden.  You could build the last part up just a bit to give the final reveal some more impact. Have her get to 5 than 8 and then swing the door open to show the girl.

A few things—

Btw…typically it’s okay to spell out the numbers in dialogue lines. One, two, three instead of 1,2,3.

Also—

In a scene like this…

----------------

INT. KID’S BEDROOM DOOR

Mother opens up the door.
         MOTHER
       I told you.

INT. KID’S BEDROOM – DAY

We see a GIRL of 8 standing over a body of a boy around the
same age and she and the boy is covered in blood, the girl is
holding a knife.

------

It’s taking place in the same room, so you don’t need two slugs.

Instead—

-----------

INT. KID’S BEDROOM – DAY

Mother opens up the door.

        MOTHER
      I told you--

By the bed, a little GIRL, 8, bloody knife in her hand, stands over the
lifeless body of a boy around the same age.

----

See how I trimmed it down but got the same information into the scene?

I also changed the action line by eliminating the passive verbiage, and cutting out additional words by rearranging them a bit.

I think with some tweaking, this can be a really good read.

Hope this helps.  

Take care,

Shawn…..><


Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
DustinBowcot  -  May 23rd, 2014, 3:12pm
Logged
e-mail Reply: 6 - 7
TonyDionisio
Posted: May 24th, 2014, 10:21am Report to Moderator
Been Around


Damnit, get to the point!

Location
Tennessee
Posts
768
Posts Per Day
0.20
This kinda reminded me of Walking Dead when that girl kills her sister thinking her zombification is a cure all.

Nice delivery at the end.  Fix the errors and then GJ.

GL with the script,

Tony
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 7 - 7
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006