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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Bubbles Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: May 21st, 2014, 4:40pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Bubbles by Rhys Hicks - Short, Comedy - A bizarre relationship blossoms between a young barista and his whore, Bubbles. 8 pages - pdf, format


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: May 21st, 2014, 5:15pm Report to Moderator
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Some thoughts Rhys

The descriptions and ages for Max and Tracey don't need to be in brackets.
Check some of the spelling/typos... there's a too that should be to, 'tips coming my ass' is missing an 'out of' etc
It feels like this is incomplete? Is it meant to continue? If not the end feels abrupt and inconclusive.
The logline says they have a bizarre relationship - not sure this is exactly the case and it doesn't ring true to me, maybe if it was established better that he's a nerd and he's got a crush on Bubbles it would work better.
However I found some of the dialogue snappy and I did want to know more... maybe a slight re-think and re-write.

Cheers

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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Dreamscale
Posted: May 22nd, 2014, 1:43pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Rhys, I read the entire script.  As Anthony said, there are numerous issues with your writing, and even story telling, as this has a strange flow and odd ending.  Also, your logline is a disservice to your script and needs to be rethought.

There are many other writing issues that Anthony didn't bring up that need attention.

Don't repeat your Slug in the first line of the following passage, as it's repetitive and a waste.

Watch out for easy to fix orphans.

Watch your passive voice throughout and get rid of all the "ing" verbs.

No reason for the "we see" garbage.

Way too many wrylies.

Uneven story and characters, but you know what?  I kinda liked this in some ways.  It's ballsy, it's quite funny at times, in a very dry way, and if fixed up, cleaned up, and more thought towards what this is really supposed to be, I think it's a Hell of alot better than most of the garbage I read.

It's interesting and it's memorable, and those are 2 fine qualities.

Best of luck with it.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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