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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Imminent Danger Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: June 13th, 2014, 5:22pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Imminent Danger by Charles Borchard  - Short, Suspense, Dark Comedy - Three friends return from a disastrous night out at the movies where a supposed riot took place. The more they discuss the events of the incident the more it sounds suspiciously like the start of an imminent invasion of mankind.  29 pages - pdf, format


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nemo
Posted: June 19th, 2014, 3:31am Report to Moderator
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I'll say you have a knack for dialogue. Good work.
But there are things to work on. 1st, The opening title sequence has been done word for word in Fargo.

What movie where they at that ended at 5am during the attack?

Also, make sure you keep it in present tense. The story is interesting and I thought Gorman was kinda funny, but work on tightening descriptions and avoid too many long monologue's.

Nemo
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CharlieBorchard
Posted: June 19th, 2014, 7:29pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the feedback.

I've since shot and directed the short (though its still in editing at the moment) and the Fargo text entry isn't going to make it into the movie. The reason I put it there was for a homage to Fargo, and for the fact the movie toes the line between if it is a sci-fi/horror movie after all. I thought it would be fun to play with the audience.

I was worried that my dialogue sounds trite, or just flat out dull to listen to. You're right about the over-long monologues too. Now I've shot the film looking back there is way too much dialogue with too little action early on. On the page it doesn't seem so bad, you could read it like a stage play. But when you watch it on screen they are really just talking for around five minutes and not doing much else.

Anyway, thanks again.
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