Hi John - gave this a quick read, so here's some thought's - just my opinion of course.
1) There's a few typos and spelling mistakes, have a re-read to tidy up, nothing major though.
2) The inital scene(s) could be cut and the story start on page 5 instead.
3) The formatting is decent throughout.
4) I think some of the dialogue is a little on the nose, but again a quick re-read and amend here and there and it'd be fine.
5) I think the main problem here is that this could be a scene from any number of stalk n slash films - it's too bland.
6) I think this needs to subvert our expectations, do something different or send up the genre.