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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  A Cup of Coffee Moderators: bert
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  Author    A Cup of Coffee  (currently 1112 views)
Don
Posted: June 26th, 2014, 4:22pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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A Cup of Coffee by Michael Robert Myers - Short, Drama - A divorced husband gets a cup of coffee with his ex-wife's new husband. Needless to say, he gets some bad news. 4 pages - pdf, format


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stevemiles
Posted: June 30th, 2014, 6:18am Report to Moderator
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Michael,

I suspect the lack of comments is mainly due to the straightforward approach to the story: Man gets bad news -- man shoots himself.

Put yourself in place of the reader -- what’s left for them to take from this story?  Unless I’m missing something then not much IMO. There’s a knack to writing a micro short.  The best ones deliver a twist, gag, intrigue -- something unexpected that stands out.

Here you have two characters saying exactly what they’re thinking, concluding in one shooting himself as a result of bad news.  

Writing’s not bad; a few minors to clean up -- not sure if you're around so I won't go into detail.  Overall this feels more like a short writing exercise than a solid idea.  

Steve.


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: June 30th, 2014, 4:59pm Report to Moderator
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A few thoughts Michael

1) We get a description of Mark that provides an image, Aaron deserves similar.
2) I think you mean she opened her haberdashery
3) Are kids really called Derek these days?
4) There's a few words in the wrong tense or that are odd choices, eat rather than ate, not sure you mean finite details? etc have a read through.

As Steve notes though this doesn't have a sufficient twist or drive to it to be more than a mood piece. Have you thought about perhaps not have Aaron killing himslef and doing something else?

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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SeanFriel
Posted: June 30th, 2014, 7:10pm Report to Moderator
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Micheal,

I noticed a few minor things, like the others -

- Haberdashery (as anthony noted)
- Your vs. You're
- Recovery instead of recover
- Three as opposed to '3'

Pretty much real minor things, there were a couple of things that read weird for me. Overall I enjoyed the story, but maybe it would be better suited as a longer piece? I would enjoy seeing these characters fleshed out. Good luck and keep writing!

Sean
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TonyDionisio
Posted: July 1st, 2014, 11:04am Report to Moderator
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Damnit, get to the point!

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Mike,

I agree with the previous posters and see how you are trying to get us emotional about a very emotional subject; divorce and separation. I don't think you had enough pages to get this done. I get the impression that Aaron is a wimp...  He should be angry about the news.  I don't buy that this type of guy has the balls to blow himself away at this stage of the story.

On the plus side I looked up and learned what a Haberdashery was.  Thx for that. ☺

Also,  I can't  see a 43 yr old man saying "she's enthralled." for whatever that's worth.

Tony.
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