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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Series  ›  Behind Closed Doors Moderators: bert
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  Author    Behind Closed Doors  (currently 1611 views)
Don
Posted: July 18th, 2014, 8:23am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Behind Closed Doors - Pilot by Joon Chung (jchungz1) - Series, Drama - In Foxworth, everybody has something to hide. Everything that happens behind closed doors comes out sooner or later. Nobody's secrets are safe. 55 pages - pdf, format


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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  July 24th, 2014, 3:48pm
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jchungz1
Posted: July 20th, 2014, 8:13pm Report to Moderator
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If anybody can give me some feedback it'd be appreciated. There's some grammatical and spelling errors along with awkward phrasing that I have fixed since I have submitted to this website so I apologize for anything one sees that seems off. I haven't written too many scripts and this was the first one I have shown to others. I have received a few requests from management companies and agencies to look at my script after they read my query letters, so I would like some feedback before I submit anything to these people.
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rendevous
Posted: July 20th, 2014, 8:22pm Report to Moderator
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Best way to get some feedback is to comment on other people's scripts. They'll return the favour in time.

I had a quick look.

You're doing a load of telling not showing. Stick with what can be filmed. You're allowed the odd aside, but 'Her family just moved to the area.'  and 'she lacks self confidence. This is partly due to events that occured at her old school.' don't work well in scripts. Stick with the visuals for now.

Use single names for character dialogue. Janine and Aurora will do.

With paragraphs don't go over four lines. Blocks of text put people off. You don't want to do that. They can be a bit funny at the best of times.

Read lots of scripts. Read some of the screenwriting class threads on here.

Good luck with it.

R


Out Of Character - updated


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jchungz1
Posted: July 20th, 2014, 8:45pm Report to Moderator
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Yeah, I had someone look at my script a few days ago and he said the same thing about the showing not telling. Thanks for the feedback.
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rendevous
Posted: July 20th, 2014, 8:46pm Report to Moderator
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You're welcome. Once you get the format roughly right and get the spelling and grammar problems sorted out readers have little else to comment on but the story. Which is how it should be.

R


Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

Green

Right Back

The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

Other scripts here
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jchungz1
Posted: July 25th, 2014, 5:15pm Report to Moderator
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it has been rewritten.
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Dustin
Posted: July 26th, 2014, 12:58am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

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Code

INT. STATEN RESIDENCE - AURORA’S BEDROOM - MORNING

Aurora’s mom, Janine (45) walks into Aurora’s bedroom while
she gets ready for school. Janine is an attractive, smart,
and caring mother. Aurora (16) sits in front of her mirror.
Aurora Staten is a pretty girl with blue eyes and long blonde
hair. She is not too tall, not too short. She has a nice tan
from the summer. Her room is a typical girl’s room with a
make up table, a twin sized bed, stuffed animals and a closet
that seems to have an endless amount of clothes.




I get the feeling you probably started out writing stories.

Screenplays should be written actively and to the point. Saying she is not too tall and not too short is Alice in Wonderland type bullshit. If she's average height, don't mention her height. I'll rewrite that section for you:

Code

INT. STATEN RESIDENCE - AURORA’S BEDROOM - MORNING

JANINE STATEN (45), attractive, hair up, very little make-up, walks 
in as AURORA (16), blonde, blue-eyed, dresses for school.



Always put character intro's in uppercase. Try to keep action blocks short and to the point.



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Dustin  -  July 26th, 2014, 1:13am
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