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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  But Mom, I don't want to be Zebra Moderators: bert
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  Author    But Mom, I don't want to be Zebra  (currently 857 views)
Don
Posted: October 10th, 2014, 4:33pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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But Mom, I don't want to be Zebra by Donald Cronkrite - Short, Comedy, Drama - Dissatisfied adolescent Zebra decides his life would be better if he were a Monkey, Elephant, Lion, Fish, or other animal. Not a Zebra.  Adventure and fun follow. 32 pages - pdf, format


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (3 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  October 16th, 2014, 12:30pm
revised draft
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StevenClark
Posted: October 10th, 2014, 6:49pm Report to Moderator
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Last clue... Or is it?

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Donald,

Welcome to the boards. Good to have new faces around.

I read the first six pages of this. You have some cute moments going in here, and a decent conflict of a zebra wanting to be something other than he is. Stuff like this usually mirrors human life if you look at things like race, disabilities, social status, etc.

I take it you are new to screenwriting and this piece might be your first attempt at a real screenplay. Good luck going forward. However, there are numerous issues here that will stop any seasoned writer/reader from going anywhere near the six pages I did.

Unless you plan on directing this, lose the camera directions. They are an annoyance, not necessary and takes the reader out of the story. Simply explain what we are looking at. And be brief about it too. Action blocks over four lines are tedious to read. If you can't explain it in four lines or under, consider breaking it up. Too much unnecessary detail.

Question... Are the monkeys actually saying "cough cough", or are they really coughing? I the latter is true, just explain before we meet them that they have coughing issues.

Also, your copyright info should not carry over to the first page, and you don't need to give us a character breakdown. All unnecessary info.

Anyway, there's more to go over, but I'm not even sure if you're an active member so I'll stop here. Hope I've helped a little, and welcome aboard. This is a great site to learn, hone your craft. Make sure you read some others works here too. These are the people who are gonna help you, so it's good to give of your time and pop open a few scripts while you're here. Best of luck!

Steve


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DonaldC
Posted: October 19th, 2014, 12:11am Report to Moderator
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Steve:  Sorry to be so long in replying. I've been in re-writing jail!
Yes, as you can tell, I am a novice and Yes, this is my first work.  Interesting about camera angles, the course with screenwriteru that I took, wanted angles each line almost.  I like writing without camera angles - they slow me down and I don't think I'm the right person to direct camera angles at this stage.
I can't see the rest of your message.  I should have printed in out.  You said something about mentioning coughing before dialogue, I think.  I get it and have changed it.
Also, I've taken the cast list out.  The copyright info is advised by Simply Script.
I have a revised re-write available and will try to get it up in the next day or two.
When I add it, I'll let you know so you can critique again.  Try reading all pages, if you can get through it.  I'd be interested in your comments.  Thanks.  Donald[face=Times][/face]
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Dustin
Posted: October 19th, 2014, 2:08am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

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Quoted from DonaldC
Try reading all pages, if you can get through it.


How about trying to be an active member of the site?

What you're asking for is what many writers have to pay for. To get even a one page review for free is better than nothing at all.

Whatever screenwriting course you went on, they ripped you off. Get your money back. Simply contributing to this site will fast track your skill, and within a couple of years you could be writing like a pro. Not that I've opened your script, so we could be talking ten years, or even... never.


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StevenClark
Posted: October 19th, 2014, 8:39am Report to Moderator
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Last clue... Or is it?

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Donald,

When you post a rewrite I will take a look. No problem there.

As far as what Dustin said? He's right on all counts. Don't hesitate to jump in and read other members scripts. Like I said in my first post, these are the people who will help you with your work. Help them too, even if its just a few quick thoughts on story. Something is better than nothing. Quid pro quo around here.

Steve


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DonaldC
Posted: October 19th, 2014, 1:54pm Report to Moderator
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[face=Times][/face]I know I should have put a smile face after "read all the pages, if you can get through it!"  
The meaning was re Steve's comments that he could only get through 6 pages!  I knew exactly what he meant, and I felt glad for him to have gone that far. I understand that I'm not a perfect writer, but I'm trying and improving.  Steve, thanks for your constructive criticism.  I'm sorry for looking for more.  I didn't understand about Simply Scripts and thought of getting rather than an opportunity for giving.

Dustin, you're blaming the course I took for me not being a good writer?  I'm wondering why you seem so cynical?  Beat me up for not being more into Simply Scripts and being part of the group, beat me up for being untrained, but trying not picking on me for being a beginner.

Donald
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Dustin
Posted: October 19th, 2014, 4:21pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

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A screenwriting course telling you to use camera angles almost every line is not worth paying for... is what I meant. I thought that was pretty obvious and is not even a slight on you, it is on the people that ran the course.

One thing a writer needs is a thick skin, yours seems extremely thin.


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