Hey Tony,
I'm sorry it took me so long to come back to this script...
I skipped through your feedback from scriptshadow and I agree with most things said. You should consider those notes from over there. Maybe now that you have a bit more distance to this draft you see things clearer and understand the input better, at least that's how it goes with my own stuff...
Alexis and Jammer mirror each other. The way both talk and act, too cool, seems too forced.
The action starts far too late, and with regards to the point above its way too far in the comedy corner.
Also some political comments and jokes build a humoristic climate of cold war 80's stuff. The Americans curse against the Russians, while Rurik throws back their prejudices. Better find a villain characterization and main problem for your story from the 2010s (since I hope we're not going back to those points because of Ukraine, who knows). Goals, characters and their motivations, all that has to be rethought imo.
So, I suggest a whole new approach, a page one rewrite.
The U.S President has to fight for his life on a space station. That's what people, same as I, seem to like in case of your story. That is your baby. And I'd suggest you to write a "fresh" breathtaking scenario around this great premise.
The tension wasn't bad at all in the second half of the script. I could imagine you can use a lot of stuff from there and put it in a new story framework.
Concentrate on the president's characterization and give him a villain we haven't seen before.
The Middle East could be a quite nice theme to handle; the president could have been the one who had brought in some positive results into the conflict for the first time; then there are guys who don't want this for some other interests. But I wouldn't handle a kind of cold-war conflict from the 80's here. Make it fresh.
I also ask myself, what if this play spends much more time at the Molniya rather than on earth. If you draw and create a whole world up there, with something like daily comfort zones (implying a fake security) you could compress it so heavily for building more tension.
In the end, to write it again is a natural process, especially in SciFi. If you once again put the same major effort into your script, as you did when you looked down on white paper and developed this interesting piece one time, then, imo, it steps up to another level.
Here are some notes, but, as said, I would hardly suggest rethinking the concept, plotting, choice of characters and parts of the story from start to finish:
In the sequence of our family, there's a specific moment we make a final conclusion about their relation:
"ALEXIS
My parents, my loss. Don’t concern
yourself about it."
So, I guess that reflects the emotional conflict of her not wanting him in her life no more fine.
The Parker-"upbringing" thing is completely overwritten and boring, seen before. He doesn't want to wash his dishes, did wrong in school, plays his video games without listening (do they still Play on Game Boys in an age of artificial gravity space stations-I doubt that)...; he heard his mother swearing...
Can you make it better and take only one or two points where you show Parker's upbringing with regards to his contrary parents, and tell an interesting sub-story around that point?
– Maybe it's right to show a scene of Jeb and Parker's calm farm-life to show Jeb's contrary position with regards to her, but then cut out all lines and subjects that go further than bringing the point across.
So, I'd leave it with: Alexis is an emotional maladjusted person who carries up son Parker from her opposing ex-husband Jeb, who wants her back but can't reach her emotionally anymore.
^^That's not complicated and should be presented as short and original as possible; and while this happens, you can interweave some exposition of the space plot same time.
I'm talking about heavily compressing this whole part. Then you'll have no blah, just context flying all over the place. So much context that we can't even follow all of it. Like when you watch a movie, second or third time, and experience new things you haven't noticed before because they've done it well. This point is transferable to every scene.
I like the girl toy stuff,
the dialogue line I've quoted,
and the rollercoaster cell phone call too. Those images are strong.
Three characters' expositions are quite generic situations:
The president and the first lady.
The lonesome farm life.
And Jammer in flight school: Of course No.1 on the hit list.
Different minor points:
1. The ISS probably will have a controlled reentering (like MIR) when its operational life span has come. I can understand it's a nice shot to let the Molniya overshadow ISS but I'm not so sure if you should ignore reality. Russia recently plans building a new station for example.
2. I'm not convinced of the way how you develop/establish that Secret Service Agent Treat carries a gun onto the Molniya. It's just too easy and Houston must be concerned or at least give a reaction. Also, it seems to be a massive violation of the meetings arrangement, and that the president has not much to say about it weakens his authority and position somehow, since he "should" be responsible for any imaginable consequence. The extend of the dramatic fall is also hurt. The good guys foreshadow that there'll be violence soon...
You seem to use this odd MAG underwear thing as a subtheme for jokes and so on, so why don't show Treat putting a colt in there or sth. earlier. It's just an undeveloped example of course. Again that would be like compressing your story for the better, connecting themes.
"CARL
Absolutely, usually don’t get many
VIP’s here, sorry it’s not more
comfortable."
VIP? Not a fan of how he talks to the first lady.
I like it a lot when you describe very sparse, the whole story accelerates then.
26/27 Okay, I'm not so sure if the "humoristic" patriotic talks and Russia-USA stuff isn't too forced and repetitive in its style. It comes across as from the past. I don't know if it's the way how SciFi blockbusters work in 2010s. For me, it's too ironic and hurts extend of the dramatic fall. Just a bit over the top I think.
Just notice how overblown it is concerning political prejudices: KGB thugs, Communism?, hammer and sickle
"JEB
Parker, Janis said bye to you.
PARKER
Bye."
Uff. Sorry, but there's a lot of unoriginal stuff going on. I mean you show the kid annoying his father by playing a video game for the second time now. I'm not impressed
Page 30 the president hasn't been in a dangerous situation once.
I read on till the end.
That Alexis fucks with Jammer doesn't make her much likeable when she emotionally goes back to her family in the end.
Of course there are some emotional strong points, I give you that.
But it's throughout too wanted.
The Top Gun pilot.
That the Molniya take hits as the ISS in Gravity.
The stowaway-boy is an old hat too.
Landing the ship on a highway
The cold war- dialectic
Then the Ebola stuff... and sending the Molniya into that brownfield... sounds more like fighting fire with fire
I'd be much more interested in what I originally expected; something like...
In a time when people colonize and privatize earth orbits, developed techniques like an artificial gravity, so that political leaders easily make treaties on a huge space station (which is a whole microcosm on its own) the best man, who brought peace on earth and everything, is thrown into hell by the most sinister villain imaginable (with interesting motives and goals somehow, never seen before).
But the important point is: We're in 2015 now. What I've read felt like a fanpic of mashed up past movies.
The family story's strong emotional points and the original action in the second half of the script cannot overshadow those problems I see in case of the whole picture.
It's not bad. I've read a lot of scripts that arrived at this specific point of progress. And every time I thought if the writer would just put the same honorable effort into it once again, put every stone back on the pile, and reconsider, then it could reach top level. Slight rewrites don't do it here imo.
I hope you get something out of my review.
After all, the foundation is great and hides big opportunities in my eyes.
Sorry again for coming around so late.
Keep at it.