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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Pump It Up Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: February 28th, 2015, 4:43pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Pump It Up by Brian O'Connor - Short, Comedy - The school jock thinks he has life on a string gets his world turned upside down by the smartest girl in school. 18 pages - pdf, format


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RichardR
Posted: March 3rd, 2015, 8:37am Report to Moderator
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Brian,

Writing worthwhile comments is like playing sports.  Sometimes, you win, sometimes you lose.  Use these as you will.

I read this twice, and for the most part I like it.  The writing is fine.  Dialogue might use a dusting, but it's not bad.  My problem is that this story has been told a thousand times.  What makes this version special?  We have the proverbial dumb jock, but he can't be a dumb jock if he's in AP classes.  As a senior, he can't get there by being stupid.  In fact, good athletes are steered away from tough classes in order to keep them eligible.  But, I'm willing to buy that  he is there if he shows some semblance of the brains that got him there to begin with.

And he makes a play for the smart girl who despises him.  Robby can't help him study?  Why opt for the pretty girl who doesn't like him?  OK, I buy that it's more than studying.  It's a ploy, perhaps.  

these star-crossed lovers never seem to hit it off during school.  I'm assuming she helps him all along the way even though we don't see it.  then comes the graduation party that the jock shouldn't even go to, and Meg shows up to turn everyone on.  Fine.  Our jock shows some growth.

Back from school, the jock and Meg have meaningless sex in his car.  No real hint of love, no promise of something more.  Drunken hook up.  

And Mike's growth shows itself when he takes a drama class and finds another cute girl who doesn't like jocks.  

Not a bad job on this theme, but I don't find anything out of the ordinary.  If I were to make a suggestion, it would be to show the budding relationship between Mike and Meg and through just phone calls.  

Best
Richard
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BrianO
Posted: March 9th, 2015, 10:18pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Richard,

Thank you for taking the time to read it twice and offer suggestions.  My apologies for taking this long to get back to you, i'm new to this board and it took a while to get up and running.  

You're right, it's not a new story.  I am writing another one that's a bit heavy, wanted to take a breather and put something out that's a little lighter and fun. Something surprising yet inevitable.  It's great to get another person's perspective and I appreciate you noticed Mike's arc.

I look forward to reading your stuff and appreciate your comments.  Thanks again!

Brian
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