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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Adversary Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: March 7th, 2015, 10:58am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Adversary by Brandon Banks - Short, Thriller - Ira, an overweight boy, aspires to be a professional dancer. But his grandfather has other more sinister plans for him. 16 pages - pdf, format


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Iancou
Posted: March 7th, 2015, 3:22pm Report to Moderator
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Good use of the grandfather as the 'ol red herring! As for the story, you did a good job of setting up Ira as a character. He, and the others, were quickly fleshed out and believable. The only thing that puzzled me was that there were no hints I picked up on about the fate of the parents other than the picture alluded to their absence. The story itself was well-written with few errors, as I could find. It was a pleasant read and flowed well. Good job.


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: March 8th, 2015, 10:16am Report to Moderator
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Hey Brandon took a look, a few thoughts, all just my opinion of course.

1) The scene headings either need a time element Day/Night or Continuous to indicate that they run on one into the next.
2) 'We see', use sparingly and see if you can write the scene without it. e,g,
We see Justine (25) a fit, overly optimistic woman doing dance moves.
could easily be
Justine (25) a fit, overly optimistic woman, dances enthusiastically in front of her class,
3) Characters shoud be capitalised the first time they are introduced in a script, e.g. IRA first time you show him.

There's a few examples of typos and odd sentence construction so worth a review.

The story itsef though was pretty decent, liked the building feeling of brooding and paranoia and Ira was well established.

The ending and transition to Justine's house threw me a little so may be worth looking at that

Good effort though.

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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