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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Comedy Scripts  ›  Naughty
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  Author    Naughty  (currently 1964 views)
Don
Posted: March 8th, 2015, 12:59pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Naughty by David M Troop - Short, Comedy - It's Christmas Eve and Santa visits the home of a very naughty girl. 8 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  August 20th, 2018, 1:11pm
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: March 8th, 2015, 1:44pm Report to Moderator
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Hi David, a few thoughts, just my opinion of course.

I'm torn on this one, the parent in me thinks that you may have overstepped the mark, the mischevious elf in me applauds the taboo trashing... so let's stay with the elf reviewing it

I like the setup, though could see where it was going fairly early on, though I don't think that's a bad thing.

Elements of this are very visual and it reminds me of Russ Meyer, in particular the Montage scene. But the scene when the Elf is on top... well, there's only one 'position' that would likely be about, and it feels a little too graphic given the relatively suggestive tone of the rest of the script, I'd tone this down to 'lies beside' or similar.

As noted. I saw the ending coming, but it still works okay for me - but it does demand some suspension of disbelief regarding Candy mistaking them. So it may make sense to try and imply that Tony and Santa have some physical similarities, that or Candy is inebriated.

Overall I liked it, in a guilty pleasure kinda way!

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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RichardR
Posted: March 9th, 2015, 8:39am Report to Moderator
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David,

Another Christmas tale.  Santa sometimes delivers switches and coal.  Comments can be good or bad.

The lightheartedness of this story is its selling point.  Candy does her job.  Santa does his.  I'm not sure about Mrs. C or the sexual innuendo.  I'm not what those scenes add to the mix.  I know you're trying to justify Santa's dalliance, but is it necessary?  I mean the guy already cops cookies and milk.  Keep it light all the way around?  The ending works, and it might work better if you can plant some additional misdirections with the real santa.  Make it look as if he is a paid companion.  Makes for a more memorable ending?

Best
Richard
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alffy
Posted: March 9th, 2015, 4:18pm Report to Moderator
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I actually really enjoyed this.  I needed a good cheering up lol.

I liked the montage and the Easter Bunny joke too.  Not much else to say other than this tickled me.


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DaveTroop
Posted: March 11th, 2015, 3:16pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks, Anthony.  With this script it helps to suspend your disbelief as far as possible.

Thanks, Richard.  I've tinkered with this already.  Some people are appalled by the montage and Mrs. Claus, but most find it hilarious.  Go figure.

Thanks, Alffy, always great to hear my comedies actually make people laugh.

Cheers
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TonyDionisio
Posted: March 11th, 2015, 6:53pm Report to Moderator
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Damnit, get to the point!

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Dave,
Well written and visually sharp. Good job. I couldn't help thinking however,  that if this was a spoof on another religious figure, say a Muslim one, you may have to check under your car before starting it or may have difficulty keeping your head attached to your body.

It was an entertaining and easy read.

Gl,

Tony
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DaveTroop
Posted: March 11th, 2015, 7:28pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks, Tony, I'm glad you liked it.  As a matter of fact, I was thinking of writing a short about the first Muslim strip club where they give the dancers money to put on more clothes.
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DS
Posted: March 11th, 2015, 7:46pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from DaveTroop
As a matter of fact, I was thinking of writing a short about the first Muslim strip club where they give the dancers money to put on more clothes.


Brilliant...

Really enjoyed this one. I was in tears at the "sexual innuendo montage". Great visual writing, you're funny, the script is hilarious and unique. Not much else to say.

Thanks for the laugh, I hope to see this one produced some day. It's definitely deserving of it imo.
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Athenian
Posted: March 12th, 2015, 2:07am Report to Moderator
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Hi Dave,

This was really funny and well done. I'd leave out the line "You don't ever break character, do you?" It kinda spoils the twist ending (and Santa should normally ask Candy what she means).

Also, the sexual innuendo part involves children, which might be a problem. I liked it though and I'm not sure how you could have done it differently.

Nice comedy - totally enjoyed it.

Manolis
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: March 12th, 2015, 3:42pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Dave

I remember the MP version, let's have a see at what has changed.

NOOOO. .... No name or copyright . Be careful if your work. Best to have the details on the front cover.

Carrying on...

Whoa vixen ...always gets me

I like the sexual montage, suits the gentle tone of the subject matter

I like the ending, but I almost feel there is an extra punchline missing.

Good fun as I remembered.


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DaveTroop
Posted: March 12th, 2015, 4:04pm Report to Moderator
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DS,
thanks for the kind words.  Comedy is pretty tricky, especially when you push the envelope as I tend to do.  Always good to hear someone's laughing with me.

Athenian,
I appreciate your comments.  I took out that line many times for the reason you mentioned.  Somehow it always makes it back in.  
Also, again I realize many people might find the montage offensive because of what it represents.  However, the montage itself contains no sex or violence.  

Reefer,
Thanks for busting me on the title page.  I must remember to change my MoviePoet  pdf copies before submitting them here.  
Hope you're having a laugh.

Dave
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Vinni
Posted: August 2nd, 2015, 10:37pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Dave-
     I'm not sure what you plan to do with this script but to me it just seems like a joke from a dunk uncle. A lot of it is cliché like the woman and what she's wearing. The innuendo montage is funny. I think the Mrs. Claus scene is a bit much. There's a couple funny parts but not all together.Finally, for a perv like me I'd probably click on it on a porn site but not if it was.labeled a comedy and had a REALLY good logline.  Best wishes anyhow. Hopefully no hard feelings.
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: August 3rd, 2015, 10:45am Report to Moderator
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Hi David,

This reminds me of some fantasy porn scenes a friend, of a friend, of a friend  told me about on the internet; although I never watch such filth of course, as I’m as pure as a pixie’s arse.

The opening action has a basic description of the setting, followed by a detailed description. You could make this leaner by sticking with the basics if you so desired.

Candy seems too hot to have to pay someone for such a fantasy to be fulfilled, I’m sure anyone would be willing to help her out for free but this is a fantasy comedy sketch and not reality so it’s all good.

I did see the end ‘coming’ – cutting the out of character comment may help there as has already been suggested.

Good job, makes me yearn for Christmas….and Candy.

-Mark


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Simon
Posted: August 4th, 2015, 8:42am Report to Moderator
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I laughed at Puddin' Mcsprinkle's part. He has a funny and ironically sweet name, but if this were filmed, the audience wouldn't know it. I think you should find a way to get his whole name known to the viewer. It seemed well written to me, but I would have liked more jokes. Then again, it was only short.


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