Sleep Cycle by Tiger - Short, Thriller - A sleeptalker, a sleepwalker, and a narcoleptic, might all be the next victims of a crazed insomniac. - pdf, format

Hey Tiger! Now I've said that does that make me Mary Jane?

Interesting logline, sounds like the beginning of a joke. It would have been perfect if they walked into a bar, but it certainly perked my interest.

First issue and it's a very basic one which is not good - your action is in the past tense. It should all be in the present, so sleeps instead of sleeping, draws instead of drawing etc.

Past tense aside, the action is badly written.

Don't place titles in drafts.

Why would Cynthia not scream when she sees this stranger (Paul) stood outside her window? Does she know him? Wow, now she's gone for a walk with him!

Not sure if English is your first language but this is very hard to read. 'The hobo comes into a crowded street' was the final straw for me and I couldn't read any further. Sorry.

My advice is to read scripts, lots of scripts that have been produced and are recognised as good scripts. As you write your action, character descriptions and dialogue, refer to these scripts to see how they cover the same areas to give you an idea.

I hope that helps.

-Mark

Thank you Mark.

Great comments.

I guess I got a bit lost in my attempt at telling the story, and completely overlooked writing in the present tense. So thank you again for pointing out this obvious mistake. I've gone over it and taken out all the incidents of past tense that I could find.

I know I struggle with writing action, so I'll certainly follow your advice and try to learn a few new tricks.

I guess Cynthia could get a bit more upset when she sees Paul outside her window, but since the whole film revolves around sleep, I tried to go for a dreamlike atmosphere, where characters don't necessarily act in the most logical way. If this did not come through at all, I will try to make it more clear.

You guessed right that English is not my first language, but I hope I might be able to convince you to read a later draft once I've gone over it a few more times =)

Tiger

I took some notes as I read:

“PAUL, a nicely dressed man in his 30s, draws something with a
big chalk on an old door.”

- I would like a little more in this scene. "Street With Graffiti" is a bit vague. Is this old door attached to a building or one just lying around? Unless its a close up or something its always look to establish your character within the context of the scene so the reader can visualize it.

For example: (Paul) "stands before a front porch" or "climbs the steps to the door" or "approaches one of the buildings" etc.

Something to consider anyway.

“A BUM in dirty rags scuffles along the street, and goes over
to rummage through a TRASH CAN positioned outside someone’s
window.”

- This is a big improvement on the previous scene in that we get a much more clarified sketch of what's happening on screen.

This is just my preference and by no means a hard rule but I always see can I replace "and" with a comma as the former suggests simultaneous actions (which is rarely the case) while the latter denotes consecutive actions which tends to convey more accurately what's going on.

Plus, you save two spaces with commas Hence, I would drop the "and" before "goes".

CYNTHIA (V.O.)
I...

- Nice correlations with the closed eye drawing and Cyncthia's truncated line.

Interesting intertwining of the three concurrent scenes so far. Clever aural/visual links between them too.

PAUL
(interrupts)
There’s a madman on the loose.

CYNTHIA
(dreamily)
Madman?

- It takes a jarring turn here both with Paul appearing like that at her window and, more significantly, Cynthia's curious reaction to his disconcerting news.

“Paul walks down the street together with Cynthia, now fully
dressed. He shines his flashlight up and down the street.”

- The fact that Cynthia is just out and about with Paul like this searching the streets has me thinking there is more going on here than meets the eye.

Is she somnambulating or what? Reading on...

CYNTHIA
What did he do?

- You'd imagine this would've been the first thing she'd have asked when Paul was at her window.

“The baby’s forehead glistens from where the mother kissed it.”

- Cool visual detail.

PAUL (V.O.)
He knew the mother would kiss her
child. So he smeared the dead body
with poison.

- Yikes, that is devious! Shouldn't Cynthia be equally curious as to how the baby was killed?

CYNTHIA
I... I want to understand why we’re
chasing him.

- Shouldn't her question be more fundamental than that? As in why are we chasing him at all. Leave it to the cops!

Again, this has my alarm bells ringing as to why Cynthia is so willingly going along with this stranger in pursuit of a madman in the dead of night. It makes no sense unless we are in her dream or she’s been hypnotized or something. That's the only sort of logic which would explain it.

PAUL (V.O.)
They all do eventually, of course.
Die, I mean. But it’s not his
intention.

- Does he need the "Die, I mean" clarification here? In the context of what he's saying what else could he be referring to?

PAUL (V.O.)
He wants to see them sleep.

- So it really is all about how the mother has been poisoned. Wow, poor that baby was quickly forgotten.

PAUL (V.O.)
The poison puts them in a sort of
coma, called sleep paralysis. You
can’t move an arm or leg or even an
eyelid, but still you’re fully
awake. It’s just your body that’s
sleeping.

- This is an effectively creepy notion, good job with that.

It seems way too obvious right now that Paul is the madman so I'm assuming we're being led to believe this before the rug gets pulled from underneath us. Reading on...

“The hobo’s eyes, red and tired, scan the street lined with
bars. He sniffles and moves along.”

- This frantic and desperate Hobo screams red herring...Again, reading on...

“The hobo goes into a very bright convenience store. He
scuffles along the isles, trying not to look anyone in the
eyes, and comes up to a fridge which he opens and takes out
an energy drink, guzzles it down, before checking to see if
anyone is looking his way. Content that nobody saw him, he
goes out the door again, without paying.”

- You've probably been told this already but try to keep your action lines to no more than blocks of four, three if possible.

PAUL (V.O.)
They just lie there, for the rest
of their lives.

- What, no one might happen to drop by in the meantime and help them? Does the madman target isolated people with no friends or family?

PAUL (V.O.)
No. They still know what goes on
around them, and with the right
equipment you can register their
reactions to the outside world.

- He already explained this, Cynthia. Listen up, woman!

CYNTHIA
It feels like I’m sleepwalking
already. Like this is all a dream.

- Godammit, it has to be!

CYNTHIA
What about the police?

- Again, if this was the real world, this would've been the first question asked.

“The sleepwalker pass the sleepwalker pass”

- "pass" should be "passes". It just had to be a bed shop too, eh

YOUNG WOMAN
No! Don’t! Don’t you know it’s
dangerous to wake a sleepwalker?

- Is it? How else do you intervene to stop them from hurting themselves?

EXT. STREET 5 – NIGHT

CYNTHIA
Do you know what he looks like?

- Just my preference but I always have at least one line of description at the beginning of a new scene just to give the reader their bearings. Unless I'm intercutting.

PAUL (V.O.)
You could be
standing right next to him, and
you’d never know.

- Is this more pointed language to suggest that Paul is the madman...?

“Cynthia and Paul turn a corner and come onto the same street
as the sleepwalker and the hobo.”

- I thought they were already on the same street as the sleepwalker and hobo. How could they only be on it now?

“Cynthia and Paul turn a corner and come onto the same street
as the sleepwalker and the hobo.”

- But I thought the sleepwalker was behind them? It’s like the frickin’ Black Lodge around this neighbourhood!

CYNTHIA
You sound almost like you admire
him.

- Ya, Paul's attitude towards the madman does seem to be inconsistent. Just adds to the weird, off kilter tone of the situation as a whole...or another heavy handed clue that Paul is the madman.

CYNTHIA
What’s that? (re: narcolepsy)
     
- What, you've never seen "My Own Private Idaho"?

“Paul freeze and looks up at her.”

- "freeze" should be "freezes" Also, why is Paul surprised by this news? Didn't he meet Cynthia when she was in the throes of said sleep talking?

CYNTHIA
How do you know all this, anyway

- Another question that should've been asked long before now. How dumb can Cynthia be?

“He walks along a hallway, into the hall where Cynthia lies on
the floor, completely still, with her eyes open. Paul kneels
above her.”

- I dunno if you intended this to be some revelatory scene (to your credit you don't make a big deal of it) but the fact that Paul actually does turn out to be the madman is very disappointing and deflating as it was signposted in block capital letters from the beginning. So much so that I confidently anticipated a curve-ball, a twist, an unexpected turn, whatever. Anything to divert us from the inevitable...but instead out biggest suspicion is found out to be true.

Also, I’m not sure what you want us to take away from the ending, how you want us to feel. Should we be glad this lunatic has “found the one he’s been searching for” . I’m certainly not, he’s just a crazy basta?d who can’t sleep and inflicts pain on those who can! I want to see nothing but vengeance dished out to this fu?ker.



This is an odd one for sure that on first read, doesn’t work for me.

You had me intrigued in the opening pages with the three intertwined scenes and I must admit my interest was held throughout, mainly down to the highly unusual MO of the madman. I am fascinated by that idea of someone putting people into that state of sleep paralysis, it’s certainly a unique spin on the crazed antagonist so kudos for that. I’m not so convinced about the depraved motivation behind it, not from a moral perspective because clearly its fu?ked up but more as a character objective, in a purely story context. Still, it’s a deeply unsettling thought and I guess a crazy person must have crazy notions to boot.

Also, I was curious to see who this madman was, who were these seemingly random people (hobo and sleepwalker) that we kept showing and how were they all connected.

Unfortunately, none of it really tied together in the end. Paul actually turned out to be the killer (which to me is the biggest single issue with the script, far too blatant) the hobo fell asleep on his feet and wasn’t heard of again and the sleepwalker appeared to be some sort of savior for Paul but as I said, I dunno how you want us to feel about that.

All that aside, I questioned some of the initial story choices here, particularly the way Paul meets Cynthia who just willfully joins in his crusade against the madman. How she accepts his word on everything without much inquiry…and when she does, it’s usually long after she should’ve raised the point. As I mentioned in my page by page notes, her submissiveness had me believing she was either under the influence of hypnotic suggestion or still in a state of sleep. As it turned out, she was neither, just extremely naïve, gullible and foolish which ultimately led to her demise…and when a character displays that much stupidity it’s hard to feel sympathy for them. She got what she deserved for being such an idiot. I mean, it was so obvious Paul was the madman that I figured it couldn’t possibly be true…and then it was, big letdown.

So as well has having issues with the believability of Paul and Cynthia just walking about like that at night, I also was scratching my head at the narcoleptic hobo running about, who suddenly, as be his way, falls asleep…before disappearing never to be seen again. Very odd indeed. Was he symbolic of something?

Then there was the sleepwalker who came from nowhere, rambled about for a bit before been inexplicable drawn to Paul’s house with the intention to provide Paul with the answers he’s been craving for. I mean, just on a practical level,  surely Paul could’ve gotten someone to just tell him what it’s like to sleep without poisoning them. There are plenty of us out there, willing to share our experiences I bet…in a public place of course, in the middle of the day…with no drinks or food for him to spike!

Anyway, as you can see from my notes, this didn’t do a whole lot for me. It had some interesting moments and seemed to take place in some mysteriously nether world (dare I say “Lynchian”) perpetually in darkness where random folk amble about on wild goose chases for madmen and sleep! I took it to be some surrealist trip that would unfold itself to us over the course of the script but instead we stayed firmly in this world and the impression I got was that all this actually took place.

I’m still not sure if you were basing the story around the twist that Paul turns out to be the killer, I hope not and I’m inclined to think it wasn’t since it is so obvious. On the other hand, the hobo was evidently there to throw us off the scent and honestly there is little else dramatically going around  Cynthia and Paul’s scenes to surprise or shock us.

I would really like to hear your intentions on this, maybe you can shed more light on it. Perhaps I’m missing the point entirely.

Col.

Wow! That's some amazingly thorough and valuable feedback! Thank you so much for all your thoughts and comments. Much appreciated. It'll take some time for me to go though it all and make adjustments, as it's quite overwhelming =)

To be honest, I tried to go a bit crazy and originally wrote it by stream of consciousness, in an attempt to break free from personal writing habits.

I was very pleased by your first comments where you wondered if it was all a dream, because that's exactly what I wanted to achieve. In my dreams, I often go on wild goose chases where I make a lot of weird choices, and it can feel like I'm the passenger in my own body. You are right in the assumption that Paul being the madman was not supposed to be the twist; rather I tried to establish Cynthia as his ultimate victim, and wanted to make you frustrated by her inability to escape. The twist was supposed to be that instead of fighting the madman (as you always want your heroine to do) she turns out to be just another victim, and the real person Paul's searching for is not a victim at all.

Maybe it's all too far out there?

The hobo was of course a red herring from the getgo, but it was not my intention to make it so obvious, so that's definitely something I have to work on. I'm thinking maybe I could try to plant some very obvious evidence that points him out as the madman? Have him carry some keepsake from the mother/baby, only to reveal later that he simply found it? I'll have to think about it for a while, and see what I can come up with.

Thanks again for your thoughts. I already read (and loved) your Blank Canvas script, so will gladly take a look at other scripts you've written. Any particular one you're looking for feedback on?

Tiger,

Valiant first effort. Don't be discouraged as we polish the stories in the rewrites. So, aside from the comments provided above, I have a few points to consider. Where is the conflict? When Paul and Cynthia are running around, there is no conflict that defines their relationship or their situation. They are simply looking for the madman while they almost encounter narcoleptics. There should be more to draw the audience in. Also, there are some things that are too convenient for credibility. Why would she go with some guy she doesn't know (well?)? Why would she hunt for a madman with him? Why would she go into a building with a big, closed eye drawn on it? I understand that you were trying to convey a surreal, dream-like atmosphere, but it still defies belief in those key areas.

If you address the areas we have pointed out as issues, then you will be that much closer to having a polished, believable story with more realistic characters.

Best of luck.

Ian

Thank you Iancou.

This is not my first effort, but rather an experiment in trying to go out on a limb and write in a different style than I've done before. And I'm in no way discouraged by any feedback =)

However, when you ask where the conflict is, I'm not sure if I understand, because I thought it was pretty clear that he’s the madman and she's his next victim, which means there’s a primal conflict between hunter and prey.

Also, Cynthia’s will to live is in conflict with her own curiosity, and Paul’s need to connect with her is in conflict with his need to make her sleep. She's the curious cat, and he's taunting her, so as to justify his actions and be able to blame her undoing on her own need to know. When she tells him that she talks in her sleep, that is the solution to his problem, and he stops playing around with her because he thinks he can finally connect with someone while they’re sleeping.

I tried to make it obvious that he keeps luring her down a dangerous path, so as to make you hope she would be able to resist the temptation and get away from his snare, but if this did not shine through, then maybe I should try to put more emphasis on her curiosity? It should be there from the very beginning, and as all of you already pointed out that her willingness to follow him is very convenient, I can try to fix this by further exemplifying her curiosity when he show’s up outside her window.

So thank you for pointing out the conveniences in her actions. That's definitely something I will work on, and the more I think about it, making her more resistant to follow his lead, will make room for playing around with her itch to follow curiosity into darkness.

Tiger

Quoted from Tiger It'll take some time for me to go though it all and make adjustments

- Only change what you agree with and not for the sake of it. Take what works for you and ignore the rest. My comments are only (hopefully).to get you thinking.

Quoted from Tiger To be honest, I tried to go a bit crazy and originally wrote it by stream of consciousness, in an attempt to break free from personal writing habits.

- I'm all for that and you shouldn't restrict yourself but it’s not like this was some experimental, abstract, avant-garde piece of visual art. You intended to tell a coherent story, right? There is clear evidence of that, there is a through line here...it just didn't add up to much and actually played right into my expectations (i.e. worst fears) by the end.

Quoted from Tiger I was very pleased by your first comments where you wondered if it was all a dream, because that's exactly what I wanted to achieve. In my dreams, I often go on wild goose chases where I make a lot of weird choices, and it can feel like I'm the passenger in my own body.

- Totally agree, that’s what dream logic is like. Your judgement is skewered but feels totally guided and sensible when you’re in the experience. For me, I tend to act purely on impulse in my dreams, my basest urges...while other times my decision making (like Cynthia’s) is devoid of critical thinking or self preservation. So yeah, it did feel very oneiric (yes, I did just drop that term ) but my understanding is that it wasn’t a dream....or at least Cynthia doesn’t wake up from it within the script...unless there was a clue somewhere that I missed.

Quoted from Tiger You are right in the assumption that Paul being the madman was not supposed to be the twist; rather I tried to establish Cynthia as his ultimate victim, and wanted to make you frustrated by her inability to escape. The twist was supposed to be that instead of fighting the madman (as you always want your heroine to do) she turns out to be just another victim, and the real person Paul's searching for is not a victim at all.

- Good I’m glad you clarified that. It’s an interesting idea I must say, I just don’t think it’s executed successfully here. You could certainly keep Cynthia as the wilfully ignorant victim (akin to the bimbo who runs upstairs instead of down in slasher films or the dude who refuses to look behind them when a killer is about to pounce or insists on opening that door when we know the murderer is waiting on the other side) but consider injecting tension from some other source that could influence the story. “influence” being the operative word here.

Perhaps a character who is not under the madman’s control, someone that might intervene, come to the rescue...or not. Basically a force who counterpoints the submissive Cynthia and dominant Paul thus creating conflict, a “will they or won’t they” scenario because right now all we get is Paul being very obviously creepy and Cynthia being very stupid before the inexplicably sleepwalker conveniently arrives to essentially serve Paul.

Again, I’m not saying Cynthia must have a saviour or Paul should be stopped by shoehorning in a happy ending, just an element to give the impression of that, an opposing entity i.e. drama. I know that’s all very vague but again, hopefully it will get you thinking.

Quoted from Tiger The hobo was of course a red herring from the getgo, but it was not my intention to make it so obvious, so that's definitely something I have to work on.

- Yeah, unfortunately I detected that from the start because Paul was so blatantly the madman. Poor hobos always get sh?t pinned on them. Its discrimination!

Quoted from Tiger I'm thinking maybe I could try to plant some very obvious evidence that points him out as the madman? Have him carry some keepsake from the mother/baby, only to reveal later that he simply found it? I'll have to think about it for a while, and see what I can come up with.

- That could work but I always reckon you have to be very careful when leading the audience astray in that it has to be fair and true, justifiable. Nothing worse than feeling you’ve been unfairly mislead or cheated by the writer just to facilitate a twist. The misdirection must make sense when viewed in hindsight and work in relation to the character. I think just having the hobo find these keepsakes could be a bit of a cheap trick, it’s too easy. I mean, what does he do to reveal that at the end? Show a “this is the property of ____” hand sown label or something I think you could add in some pointers to get us really believing that it is the hobo but they must be true to the character.

Perhaps he arrives at a house at the end (the actual propose of his journey because he’s totally aimless right now) that we find out is belonged to his estranged family or something and the keepsakes are theirs. You could intimate that he was once part of the family but got kicked out for whatever reason, drunkenness, cheating, etc. So the guy still has problems, just not on the same level as Paul’s. They’re more domestic and common.

Or you could go in the opposite direction and shed a completely new light on the guy. Maybe he’s not a hobo at all, just a guy down on his luck directly because of problems he’s had with his family. Maybe he was the one wronged and he’s not out to seek revenge, just to get his dignity/life back. I know this would be a lot to convey for a periphery character and if you were to develop him it would certainly mean expanding the script which you may or may not be keen on.

As its written, the problems arise both from the thin portrayal of the hobo (we just see him running away from some unseen threat before falling asleep, not much to grab on to there) but more significantly is Paul’s characterisation which just screams “crazy basta?d!” from the beginning. I think the way the piece is structured right now makes it difficult for that twist to be sustained without the reader getting suspicious of Paul.

Quoted from Tiger Thanks again for your thoughts. I already read (and loved) your Blank Canvas script, so will gladly take a look at other scripts you've written. Any particular one you're looking for feedback on?

- Cool, thanks for the offer. If you get the time, you might check out “Rid of Guilt – (Alternative)”.

This is a link to the latest draft via dropbox:

https://www.dropbox.com/s/eaicwi9x1kqqwig/Rid%20of%20Guilt%20-%20Alternative.pdf

This is a link to it's discussion board:

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-short/m-1365537024/s-0/

Cheers.

Col.