New Years Eve by Dreux Dougall - Short - An aging prostitute gets trapped in an elevator with an unexpected guest. 8 pages - pdf, format

A warm, touching story. The writing is excellent--clear, precise, and pacing very well. The dialogues are sharp, too.

Two suggestions:
1. After the elevator screeches to stop, you need a bit more transition to show Sammy's panic (for being young and experiencing this the first time).

2. It might evoke a stronger emotion if the connection between Judah and Sammy goes deeper than talking about coffee (which is funny) and Sammy's mundane daily routines. Something like Sammy reminds Judah's own son, or something that Sammy wears has a special meaning for Judah, etc.

Enjoyed reading it.

David

I'm reading your screenplay right now.  I'm gonna write what I see.  If I spot something, I will only mention it once.

1.  Bottom of page 2 I think you forgot a word.  You write But Sammy keeps looking her.  Shouldn't it be keeps looking AT her?

Wow, that was cute.  A nice little exchange between Judah and Sammy.  I bet her client won't be happy with her choice.  You should have a follow up where the person she was supposed to ah, "serve coffee to" ends up killing a prostitute.  That'd be an awesome twist.  

Other then that, it was cute.  I think almost too cute, perhaps have the kid freak out more when the power goes out and have her be more of a mom.  You don't mention if she has any kids or not, but, you could.

Good job.
I'd read any rewrite you have.
Dan

Dreux,

Comments can be like New Years.  A surprise.

First, good job. A nice little story. Now for some nits.

In the opening, I had a hard time figuring out what is deserted. The building, the street, what?  I guessed it's the street which is fine. I would suggest that you CAP the CLICK-CLACKING of the heels.
Why does she zig-zag through the lobby?
She tightens the bulb, good.  Nice detail
Sammy gets on with groceries.  At 7, he's very young.  
When the electricity quits, shouldn't the elevator be plunged into darkness?  Emergency lighting might kick in, but this building is neglected.  Would the lighting work?
When addressing someone, use a comma.  'Let it be hun'. Is not the same as 'let it be, Hun'
Gamet does not mean the same as gamut.
We get a nice metaphor of coffee for prostitution.  It works.  I think Sammy talks older than his age, and I would think he would use more slang.  But that's me.
Overall, a good story.  Works. If you can work in some more New Years stuff, it might be better.

Best
Richard

Dreux,

Nicely written and relatively easy and inexpensive to film. The only thing I would add is to encourage you to delve just a little deeper into the points David and Dan mentioned relating to potential maternal instincts coming out more. I also liked how Sammy changed Judah's perspective to the point that she gave up an appointment for just one night... and maybe started a change for life.

Recommend revision and polishing. I believe it has potential.

Ian

Hi Dreux,

It's a nice read and makes sense after all, which not many shorts below 10 pages tend to do. Liked it a lot. Just two small nitpicks:

- We hear, we see, we follow her.. it's a bit too much I think.
- Why is Sammy so surprised about the elevator being stuck? Judah says it happens all the time, and Sammy seems to live in that building, so it shouldn't be all new to him as well.