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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Accepting Her Moderators: bert
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  Author    Accepting Her  (currently 1217 views)
Don
Posted: May 14th, 2015, 4:23pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Accepting Her by Nikki A. Lee - Short, Drama - A spirited interest-born teenager struggles with self acceptance when she is forced to live with her gender phobic father after the death of her loving mother. 9 pages - pdf, format


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Equinox
Posted: May 16th, 2015, 12:50pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Nikki,

interesting story there. My major problem is John's character. I don't get why he is so evil in first place. What father would force his daughter into surgery just after her mother died? And why he turns into gentleness so abruptly afterwards? I don't buy it. I could imagine this as a feature length, where you have more time to develop John's turn. And don't have him frame a crime on his daughter's boyfriend, it makes the character even more unrealistic. Try to make his disgust about his daughter a little more subtle and more believable. Just my opinion.

I like the writing in general, its short and pointed.

Good luck.


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DanC
Posted: May 17th, 2015, 11:08am Report to Moderator
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Hi Nikki
    I'm gonna read your story.  I will make notes as I see them.  I will only mention things once, so, I don't pile on (with stuff like tense).

Good luck and here goes:

1.  Why the different colors?  On the copy I'm reading, you have the "they giggle like children" in red while the rest is in black.  Was that on purpose?  And why do you have stars after each line?

2.  What is the blue rev at the top of page 2 with the month/day/year symbols?

3.  How are sirens heard so quickly?  I'd also show them in the car.  

4.  For the home, I'd like to know is it a nice home, crappy home etc.  And how long after her mom's death is this?  I mean, she's been buried already.  And why doesn't she have other options then to go to her father who hates her for no reason.

5.  Wow, I hate John.  A lot.  Blackmailing his daughter is bad.  Beyond bad.

6.  I know that she's biracial, but, you don't mention of John is white or something else, unless I missed it.  And why is Mary so nice, and what does she even look like (Mary)?

7.  She knows that her dad left b/c she was different.  How?  When did this split happen?

8.  Some states, that isn't sex with a minor.  She's 16, he's 19.  If they have an established relationship that goes back years, he might be okay.  I know it's a story, I just care about the accuracy.

9.  Sorry, I don't buy the cops would stop.  Unless they are dirty cops.  It doesn't work that way.  He's either committed a crime or he hasn't.  Her testimony to have the sex alteration becomes meaningless once the cops are there.

10.  Jail isn't like that.   I don't think he'd be able to just walk to his cell.  Unless John is a cop.  Is he?  See, we need this information.

11.  Page 7 in the observation room.  You say He watch  shouldn't be He watches?

12.  Wait, I thought they destroyed the evidence?  So, why is Blade in Jail?  I don't understand.

13.  I'm with Thorsten.  Why the change of heat?  He's hated her for his entire life.  Even the Grinch had a reason for his change on a dime.  What is John's?  He abandoned them until her mom died.  I doubt seeing her in agony means anything to him.

I also agree, this feels more like a lifetime movie where we can see his change.  The whole framing thing seems unrealistic.

And if Mary is so compassionate, why wouldn't she go to Mary?  After all, Mary is willing to divorce him if he turns his back on his daughter.  So, she has power over him.

You have a good story here.  I just don't buy the change b/c Blade said something.  Unless you show how Blade hit on something so primal that John had no choice but to change, it seems unreal and destroys the suspension of disbelief.

I'd read any rewrite you do.  Good luck, you have a good story, it just needs work.

Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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keypecker
Posted: May 19th, 2015, 1:35pm Report to Moderator
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Nikki,

I enjoyed your short. Good job with action and imagery.
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