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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  Crossing OVer Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: June 20th, 2015, 8:59am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Crossing Over by Bill Lae - Comedy - A flamboyant, gay ghost must help a pip-squeak young man lose his virginity and “live life” while the young man must find the ghost’s actual killer before an innocent man is executed in three days.  113 pages - pdf, format


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Ledbetter
Posted: June 21st, 2015, 11:55pm Report to Moderator
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Hi,

Haven't met you but I wanted to chime in on your script.

First rattle out of the bag is this is written pretty well my friend.

I hope you check in.

The opening line was sweet. But if I had my way, I would have cut that last part.

MALE VOICE (O.S.)
You’re wearing that? I wouldn’t be
caught dead in that thing. Unless I
killed myself because I couldn’t
get out of it.


To--

MALE VOICE (O.S.)
You’re wearing that? I wouldn’t be
caught dead in that thing. Unless I
killed myself.


Just seems pithier and it seems that was what you were going for.


You don't have to BOLD so much either.


your writing is good and to be honest, the BOLDING kind of takes from it. If you know what I mean.


Also give us smaller bites--


This is a BIG BITE...

An opulent MANSION bathes in accent lights that show the outline of JUAN CASTILLO, 22, dirty, sweaty, GARDENER, as he walks with his BLOWER in front of the beat-up PICK-UP TRUCK sitting on the driveway amongst Malibu lights and lush palms. The drive winds around to the back.


Break these up.  Everything you want to say is there. you just need to cut the fat out...so to speak.


An opulent MANSION bathes in accent lights.  JUAN CASTILLO, 22, dirty, sweaty, GARDENER, walks with his BLOWER in front of the beat-up PICK-UP TRUCK.


Out of those 3 lines, you can get it done in 1-1/2 or 2 and still make it pop and get your point across where the reader understands what you're wanting to say.


If you notice, I didn't change anything. I just took out the fluff.


Which leads me to the page count, my friend.


113 ...comedy...equals...overwritten...


If you were to simply go through the action lines and give them a trim, you would get to nice clean 90-95 pages super quick.


Hope some of this helps.


Best of writing.  


Shawn.....><

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Ledbetter  -  June 22nd, 2015, 12:06am
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BillLae
Posted: June 22nd, 2015, 12:01pm Report to Moderator
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Firstly, Thank you so much for your praise and good/practical feedback! 'so glad you were "my first" here! I'm not sure if this constitutes "checking in" and meeting you! I'm totally new here, and I'm trying to find my way around. I finally had to email Don just to figure out how to find and read the most current scripts, and I plan to start doing that. If you have any advice at all on how to most effectively use and navigate around this site, help others, and receive help, please let me know. (i.e. what do you do / how do you use it? Do you mostly read/submit scripts and feedback? I know that sounds obvious--but I "don't know what I don't know.) THANKS AGAIN! ~Bill
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NW3
Posted: July 6th, 2015, 6:40am Report to Moderator
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Hi Bill,

I read your script and it has some funny lines and interesting characters. If you are looking for feedback for the next draft I have a few suggestions - I read a review you posted for another script so I think they would be the kind of thing you find useful. I've sent a PM.

-J
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BillLae
Posted: July 13th, 2015, 7:19am Report to Moderator
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I absolutely welcome and want to hear all feedback and notes.
Thank you!
Bill
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