All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Dark Angel by Ty Caudle - Drama, Civil War - Two brothers of different race seek to avenge their parents’ murders during the U.S. Civil War as a martial arts master and a love interest, a stunning half-breed girl, attempt to lead them from revenge to forgiveness by facing the true enemy in war, themselves. 107 pages - pdf, format
Glanced through the first couple of pages. Most of this reads like a novel. A lot of passive writing and long blocks of action lines that don't necessarily read bad, just too long. Went through the first ten pages, and it's this way throughout. Break up these lines and again only use what we see on screen. No need to keep calling him William Jacob Penn I every time. Shorten it to Penn or Will, it saves you on typing and saves us as the reader.
Your slug lines need some work too. I'm not the expert on here for that but noticed you had a date in one of them - don't put it in the slug. If it needs to be on screen make it a SUPER or SUPERIMPOSE or TITLE CARD, etc.
Plus, your dialogue needs some work. Go through it and shorten it where you can. Cut all unnecessary dialogue that doesn't move the story forward. Also, read the dialogue. There are many places where you need to use contractions because that's how most people talk. Even back then.
Haven't seen your name on here so will hold off on more comments unless you respond. This story might be somewhat polarizing right now with all the stuff going on with the flag, etc. Didn't get far enough into it to see if it was any good, but the subject matter might get this some attention.
Go through and fix some of the above and make sure you have good writing going on in the first couple of pages and at least until page 10. That's all you'll get to hook the readers.
Good luck with this.
My Scripts: SHORTS Bed Bugs I Got The Shaft No Clowning Around Fool's Gold Five Days for Redemption