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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Lucky in Crime Moderators: bert
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  Author    Lucky in Crime  (currently 824 views)
Posted: July 23rd, 2015, 11:56pm Report to Moderator

So, what are you writing?

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Lucky in Crime by Bruce J Fraser - Short, Drama - Nick Samuels operates a multi-million dollar money laundering scheme through his hedge fund. As his paranoia becomes a big problem, he decides to implement an exit plan with his trusted associate Paul. They realize how good luck and perfect timing are more powerful than any strategic plan.

Two characters with one main location and two short visit locations - Wall Street, Panama City and Caymen Islands. 46 pages. - pdf, format

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Posted: July 24th, 2015, 9:52am Report to Moderator
Been Around

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Comments are not always lucky.  Need a four-leaf clover?

I'll comment as I read.

I skipped the notes.  If the sp can't stand on its own...

First paragraph is far too long.  NICK SAMUELS, 32, 6', slick hair, overlooks...'  Take out unnecessary words.  And how did you show us what he's thinking?

Character names are not CAPPED in dialogue unless you want emphasis.  Is Lisa in the same room with him?  

again, how did you show us that Paul is Nick's right-hand man?  Unless it's on the screen, how will the audience know?

Writing tip.  Don't use two words when one will do...'is looking' means the same as 'looks'.  Fewer is usually better.

These two guys are supposed to be best buds, and they talk like they hardly know each other.  The dialogue is not between characters but for the audience as an info dump.  

If the characters are leaving, you don't need to show them doing it, unless there's something special to show the audience.  Just jump to the next scene with the town car.  In this case, you don't even need the town car.

The next scene is a rehash of earlier.  We already know they're comrades.  We know Nick is anxious.  Why go through that again?

the next scene is all talking heads.  Can these two guys actually do something  besides talk?  And it's all way overwritten and overblown.  Do it quick.  Nick wants out.  Paul doesn't see that they have to, but he's in.  Enough.

These guys are the most skillful people around.  We finally get some meat in this story--Sanchez--and it's back to the talking heads.  'you're great.  no, you're great.'

All the next few pages is filler.  We know he's going to Panama.  Just put him there.  We don't care about the limo or the plane or what he does in his hotel or his voice over.  Get him to the meeting.

And from here to the end we have exactly no conflict, no jeopardy, no reason to read.  

The first rule of storytelling is to make things as rough as possible for the protagonist.  Luck does not work for them.  Riches do not fall their way.  Life is one long climb after another.  Otherwise, why bother with them.  This story is exactly the opposite.  These two incredibly skilled guys have no problems whatever, even though they launder dirty money.  They are loved and respected and above investigation.  bunk.

I like to think of a good story as a reverse roller coaster.  The first hill is the smallest.  The next gets a little bigger, and the next bigger still.  Until the highest, hardest climb is the last hill, and then a quick descent to the end.  

Life is hard.  Your story should portray that for your protagonist.

I suggest you read more screenplays both for content and structure.  

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