SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 5th, 2021, 12:05pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion forum, please send me a message. There is no online registration. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)

The Feb 2021 OWC scripts are posted!



The January Project!
If you want access to the January Project, click here

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Lucky in Crime Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 5 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    Lucky in Crime  (currently 824 views)
Don
Posted: July 23rd, 2015, 11:56pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
14375
Posts Per Day
1.96
Lucky in Crime by Bruce J Fraser - Short, Drama - Nick Samuels operates a multi-million dollar money laundering scheme through his hedge fund. As his paranoia becomes a big problem, he decides to implement an exit plan with his trusted associate Paul. They realize how good luck and perfect timing are more powerful than any strategic plan.

Two characters with one main location and two short visit locations - Wall Street, Panama City and Caymen Islands. 46 pages. - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

SimplyScripts Masks can be purchased at: facebook.com/UCanBeSafe/
-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged
Site Private Message
RichardR
Posted: July 24th, 2015, 9:52am Report to Moderator
Been Around


Posts
903
Posts Per Day
0.39
Bruce,

Comments are not always lucky.  Need a four-leaf clover?

I'll comment as I read.

I skipped the notes.  If the sp can't stand on its own...

First paragraph is far too long.  NICK SAMUELS, 32, 6', slick hair, overlooks...'  Take out unnecessary words.  And how did you show us what he's thinking?

Character names are not CAPPED in dialogue unless you want emphasis.  Is Lisa in the same room with him?  

again, how did you show us that Paul is Nick's right-hand man?  Unless it's on the screen, how will the audience know?

Writing tip.  Don't use two words when one will do...'is looking' means the same as 'looks'.  Fewer is usually better.

These two guys are supposed to be best buds, and they talk like they hardly know each other.  The dialogue is not between characters but for the audience as an info dump.  

If the characters are leaving, you don't need to show them doing it, unless there's something special to show the audience.  Just jump to the next scene with the town car.  In this case, you don't even need the town car.

The next scene is a rehash of earlier.  We already know they're comrades.  We know Nick is anxious.  Why go through that again?

the next scene is all talking heads.  Can these two guys actually do something  besides talk?  And it's all way overwritten and overblown.  Do it quick.  Nick wants out.  Paul doesn't see that they have to, but he's in.  Enough.

These guys are the most skillful people around.  We finally get some meat in this story--Sanchez--and it's back to the talking heads.  'you're great.  no, you're great.'

All the next few pages is filler.  We know he's going to Panama.  Just put him there.  We don't care about the limo or the plane or what he does in his hotel or his voice over.  Get him to the meeting.

And from here to the end we have exactly no conflict, no jeopardy, no reason to read.  

The first rule of storytelling is to make things as rough as possible for the protagonist.  Luck does not work for them.  Riches do not fall their way.  Life is one long climb after another.  Otherwise, why bother with them.  This story is exactly the opposite.  These two incredibly skilled guys have no problems whatever, even though they launder dirty money.  They are loved and respected and above investigation.  bunk.

I like to think of a good story as a reverse roller coaster.  The first hill is the smallest.  The next gets a little bigger, and the next bigger still.  Until the highest, hardest climb is the last hill, and then a quick descent to the end.  

Life is hard.  Your story should portray that for your protagonist.

I suggest you read more screenplays both for content and structure.  

Best
Richard
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 1
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006