Inside the Bottle by Byron - Short, Family - An alcoholic father struggles to beat his disease for the sake of his daughter. 5 pages - pdf, format

Hey Byron, took a quick read, just a few thoughts...

Some of the formatting is slightly off e.g.

INT. KITCHEN -- MORNING should be INT. KITCHEN - MORNING

No need for CUT TO: either these days, it's implied by the scene changing.

You give Tiffany an age but not Dale or Gail, I think they'd be better with ages given and some sort of brief description.

She pours Vodka down the sink but doesn't top it up with water? I think this would make for a better scene if he hade is drink and then spat it out in disgust at it being watered down. Just mho of course.

Don't really need the info re who recorded the song Tiffany sings.

On page two you have the mother as both Gale and Gail, this needs to be consistent.

You have a slugline as EXT. RESTROOM... I assume the restroom is still inside the school building? If so this should still be an INT slugline... so probably something like INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE RESTROOM...

Mr Sims speech at the end is perhaps a little long, maybe break it up with Dale protesting?

There's some work to be done tidying this up but the message is a good one and will resonate, I think at the moment it may be a little too easy with the implication that Sims's speech wins him over with a few words... I think this need more conflict given Dale is currently drunk... would he be that receptive?

Anyway, all comments are just mho... hope they help some.

Anthony

Byron,

Should you drink and write comments?  Damn if I know.

This one has all the basic elements.  A drunk father, an enabling mother, a little girl who sings like an angel.  And the problem is that this one has all the basic elements.  The father is stereotypically drunk, the mother enabling, and the girl a child prodigy.  As a story, it doesn't have a surprise element or a surprising character.  We've seen this story 100 times, and in order to get into the story again, we need something special.

The dialogue is too on the nose.  People, especially people who know each other well, i.e. family, talk in phrases and questions and pronouns.  They have pet names for each other and common phrases they use all the time.  Mr. Sims speech at the end is too long and preachy, and a man as addicted as Dale isn't going to chance after one 30 second speech.  

So, go back to the drawing board on this one and think of a new twist of this tale.  Perhaps, it's mom who feeds Dale's addiction because she wants him gone.  Or Mr. Sims is the one who accuses Dale of being a pedophile.  Dale goes to jail and the girl is saved.  Work on making this a special story.

Best
Richard

Hello Byron,

The feedback given hitherto is spot-on. Therefore, seeing as how the lion's share of the issues/errors has already been covered, I'll just touch on a few other points in detail.

Spoilers ho!

The restroom slugline problems have been mentioned. Beyond that there are some other issues in that scene. First of all, would a male teacher be allowed to follow a female student into the girls' restroom? It seemed a bit odd and slightly creepy when Mr Simms went inside, especially without Tiffany's consent.
You can solve this by either changing the location of the scene, or the gender of Simms; a female alcoholic also infuses a bit more originality, instead of the umpteenth male one. Perhaps you can even get rid of the mom (who's currently a fairly vapid character) and have the father and a female Simms interact more and perhaps even have some chemistry.

At one point you mention that Tiffany is sobbing in a stall inside the restroom, but when Mr Simms walks in he immediately sees Tiffany and walks up to her. When somebody goes to cry in a toilet stall they pretty much always tend to close the door.

I like the reveal about Simms, the medallion is a clever idea, though not very subtle in its portrayal. For this reveal to have more weight to it, you should've introduced Simms much earlier. Maybe a brief scene between him and Tiffany at school. And if you decide to get rid of the mother character, even a (clashing) scene or two with the dad.

Lastly I'd like to emphasise AnthonyCawood's final point: the ending is so incredibly rushed, it's almost humorous how you wrap everything up in the last of six or so lines. This is your climax, the most important moment of your story, give it room to come into its own more naturally.

Would love to see a revision of this some day.


Sandro

Thanks everyone for taking time to review Inside the Bottle, stayed tuned for the rewrite incorporating all the insightful suggestions.

Hey Byron - I quite agree with the comments you have seen already. IMO, the most important of those relating to the story itself. I can tell that it is heartfelt. But basically the story is about an alcoholic hitting bottom. (1) You need a more compelling, more dramatic impetus for this realization other than he screwed up his daughters performance, (2) He ain't going to turn over a new leaf by talking to a stranger - especially one that he thinks is a pedophile and (3) he is never ever going to have the epiphany while he is still in a drunken state.

Quoted from eldave1 Hey Byron - I quite agree with the comments you have seen already. IMO, the most important of those relating to the story itself. I can tell that it is heartfelt. But basically the story is about an alcoholic hitting bottom. (1) You need a more compelling, more dramatic impetus for this realization other than he screwed up his daughters performance, (2) He ain't going to turn over a new leaf by talking to a stranger - especially one that he thinks is a pedophile and (3) he is never ever going to have the epiphany while he is still in a drunken state.

I disagree with all points. Never say never.

Missing your kid's performance because you were drunk, chased bad guys, got kidnapped by aliens, has been done over and over. Showing up and being a dick, not so much. Many drunks swear they will turn over a new leaf while drunk and/or when someone comfronts them. God, dear God, sober me up this one time and I'll never drink again.

I know a gal in San Diego who has a handful of those medallions and she had epiphanies while drunk; they only stuck when she was sober.

Some grammar edits needed and the drama is so-so but the little (don't cap black) girl is the central character here and her emptying the bottle and telling her dad a lie for the better good was priceless.

It's more like a commercial to me but nothing wrong with that.

Quoted from cloroxmartini [quote]Many drunks swear they will turn over a new leaf while drunk and/or when someone comfronts them. God, dear God, sober me up this one time and I'll never drink again.

Think I should have not used the term never. My family is full of alcoholics - several of them dead now from the drinking. Anyway - when they were drunk, they wanted to drink. There was no rationalizing with them. You obviously have a difference experience  - so, I'll respect the opinion while still disagreeing.

Yeah... OK. I'll take that as is. It's a little simple, but sometimes that's all that is required. Few errors... but you tell a good story. You deal with black characters well. The dialogue comes across as natural.

Next time you write a story, try raising the stakes... write yourself into a corner and figure a way out.

Raising the stakes in this story could be something like a social worker threatening to take the children because of the alcoholism, or maybe he does something violent. Take a story as far as it will go, rather than going the easy route.