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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  The Changer Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: August 30th, 2015, 9:45am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Changer by David M Troop - Short, Comedy - Two bickering police detectives must find a way to capture the world's most elusive criminal. 9 pages - pdf, format


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Sandro
Posted: August 30th, 2015, 11:41am Report to Moderator
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David,

I really enjoyed this one. Crips writing and great humour. Men In Black on an X-Files case.
The banter between Kennedy and Harris two made me laugh throughout.

Something that bothered me though is that two police detectives (according to your logline) are sent after a confirmed shape-shifter. I'm pretty sure that, like in The X-Files, the FBI or some similar agency would be on this case. But that's easily altered.


Quoted Text
KENNEDY, 40s, Caucasian, cheap suit with clashing tie, rounds
the stairs. Behind him is HARRIS, 30s, African-American,
poster boy for Reebok.


That's great description, in a single line I can immediately picture Harris. So, why not do something similar for Kennedy? I imagined him to be pudgy (that's usually the case when one of them is athletic) but you don't mention this fact until near the end when Harris calls him fat.


Quoted Text
Harris ricochets off the walls as he speeds down four flights,
out the front door and onto--


More great description. I could instantly picture him bouncing off the walls as he runs down the stairs.


Quoted Text
HARRIS
Man, this is some whacked out shit.
Check this out. First the dude was
running, then- bam- he turns into
Abraham Lincoln. The beard, the
hat, everything, man. Then I think,
shit, man, didn't Abraham Lincoln
get shot, or some shit?


What adult American doesn't know that?


Quoted Text
KENNEDY
Okay. What is the capitol of Kansas?


I know Kennedy is a bit dumb but I thought it was a bit much. And "capital" is misspelled.

Also, Kennedy staying back in the apartment to get a blow job from the hooker instead of backing up his partner is a major douchebag move. It slightly ruined the good buddy cop chemistry they have going on.

Although the ending is not entirely original (I was reminded of Speed and a few other instances) you wrote and incorporated it well enough, it works.
The last few expletive-laden interactions seem off though, especially how mad Harris suddenly is after first saying "Good work" to Kennedy.

Great job. It wouldn't be cheap to adapt this but I'd love to see it made one day.


Sandro
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cloroxmartini
Posted: August 30th, 2015, 1:52pm Report to Moderator
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Nice buddy short with all the cliches but came up short.
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Vinni
Posted: August 30th, 2015, 6:15pm Report to Moderator
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Pretty funny. So is Kennedy dumb it just an a -hole? He shoots his partner AFTER he sees the green ooze. Maybe I just missed that part of the humor. I do like the dialogue, well written. I agree with Sandro. Kennedy needs more description regarding his look and dopey personality. Nice overall.
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: August 31st, 2015, 4:21am Report to Moderator
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Hi Dave

An extended version.

As ever I love your writing and the changer is fun.

On reflection, I think you could do more with the changer in the alley, eg a chair to sit on, a perhaps a little less of the 'bad ass' banter, but those would just be tweaks.

Nookie nookie....


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alffy
Posted: August 31st, 2015, 7:29am Report to Moderator
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David,

I didn't get why Kennedy shot Harris.  Maybe this was a joke I didn't get?

Other than that it was pretty stupid but I'm guessing that's what you were going for.  It was pretty funny but it could do with a bit more I think.  Why was the changer visiting the hooker?  Why were Harris and Kennedy trying to arrest him?

As it stands it does it's job of being funny...in a silly way.


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stevemiles
Posted: August 31st, 2015, 11:19am Report to Moderator
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Dave,

Fast and fun few pages -- some amusing dialogue between characters and the appearance of the eskimo was suitably ridiculous.  Not sure the stand-off brought anything new to the table and the bullet proof vest angle Iíve seen one time too many.  Almost feels like the intro to a feature, though without understanding the wider world here itís really got to rely on the comedy to make it work -- to that end it feels like thereís more original material to be explored in the hunt for the Changer.

...If I was hiding from the cops in an alleyway, I think Iíd change into a trash-can...

all the best,

Steve


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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13thChamber
Posted: September 21st, 2015, 4:27pm Report to Moderator
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Overall, pretty good. Def seemed like an old buddy cop flick. Some decent dialogue and action. Maybe its me, but I was more interested in the partners relationship than them catching the changer. The Changer seemed to be tacked on in a sense, giving these two characters something to do.

+Decent dialogue
+Action
+Written well

-Tacked on and underdeveloped Villain
- Ending has been done multiple times.


13th
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