Malicious by Gregory Turner (C-Minded) - Series, Thriller - A six-decade-old game played by a circle of friends of showrunners holds the dark gruesome secret of the last generation that played. But when the collegian offspring of that last generation inherit it, they become victims and are stalked and tortured by someone in a White Mask. But what is the secret that that has this culprit so hungry for revenge? And how has this secret attached itself to this board game known as MALICIOUS? 23 pages - pdf, format

I don’t know much about formatting tv scripts, so I’m not really going to deal with format issues in my feedback (the notes however will go by your corresponding scene numbers). In my notes, if I think something should be reworked, I usually throw in an example of one way you could possibly rework it. The examples I give are usually not great or inherently better. I include them as a way to help clarify my feedback and notes. They are not intended to dictate how you should write your story.  

1.

I know you should cap sounds, but reading the entire opening block in CAPITAL LETTERS, was kind off putting to me. Since this may be a format thing, I don’t really have a complaint with it, it just seemed like because it was all in caps nothing stood out in the description.

Additionally I think there are a few ways you could make your opening a bit more active. Example:

“WE HEAR A MAN GRUNTING” could be “A man GRUNTS”

You also have a possible typo. “BLOOD CURLING SCREAM”, did you mean “Blood curdling SCREAM”


2

You might also want to consider reworking some parts of this:

“smoke flows through the atmosphere, giving a sense of fog throughout the room”

why use “giving a sense of fog through out  the room” instead of “fogs the room” or even re-working more of it to something like:

“smoke casts the room in fog”  (my example is a bit awkwardly phrased, but you get the idea).

Additionally there are a few clarity issues with your use of their and they.

“SOMEONE wearing a BLACK HOODED ROBE with an ALL-WHITE MASK covering their face comes into view. They sit up with a confident posture in a dark brown wooden chair as smoke flows through the atmosphere, giving a sense of fog throughout the room. Their voice is disguised by a machine as they begin their monologue.

If someone skims the script, they might get tripped up. In the first sentence you have “SOMEONE” and then use “they sit up” in the following sentence. Which may make the reader a bit confused as to whether your talking about one person or more than one person. While slightly less problematic “their voice disguised” could also trip up a reader.  

I also don’t think you need to include “as they begin their monologue”.

3

You introduce 8 characters in a single dense block. Can you break this up a bit (maybe spacing between each character intro)? Would it be possible to not intro all 8 at once?

I’m not too sure if this a mistake, but why isn’t the sound capitalized like it was in the beginning?

“From the quiet night, they hear a roll of thunder from outside”

This is strictly a personal preference but it could be re-worded a bit. Is “a roll of thunder”  meant to be “the roar of thunder”?

6

I loved how you used  the rules of the game to get your characters to identify themselves as a horror movie archetype  (the leader, the whore, etc). I found that quite enjoyable.

I’m not sure what the “your procreators” part refers to.

“Reality hidden from you by smoke and mirrors that your procreators. Read the writing on the walls.”

Why do all of the characters cell phones start ringing when they get a “news alert”.. Wouldn’t it make more sense that the tv turns on by itself to  the news.

7

Typo: “It’s right her with a crispy body in it!” “her” should be “here”.



10

Typo “You’re help at all. You never were.” Did you mean “no help at all”

What do you mean by “Jacob grabs Johnathan by the neck, pressing into his glands”

Typo “Jacob walks out of the steady” is it supposed to read “study”

Overall, I think the script needs quite a bit of work, although I do feel it has a lot of potential. I like the concept and I think you can take this story in a lot of different directions and do some really interesting things with it.  Hope some of this was helpful.