Masked by Miguel Garcia - Short, Thriller - Porter returns to a place that is no longer the same. A place that might kill him. 5 pages - pdf, format

Miguel,

Not really sure what your going for here. Are the flash frames flashbacks to a murder as well?

Sorry to say this lost me...

Not sure what the VO was for and the ending... did Al kill someone and Porter save gime from the cops?

I suspect you are going for brooding Indie noir but it's a little unclear for me.

Anthony

The story is that there are two brothers. The younger one shows signs of being a psychopath but every time he does, the older brother tells him to never do that. Sheltering him so he doesn't get put away.  But eventually the younger brother has the urge to kill so he murders their mother.  (I know, it needs to be developed better on the script, I tried making this as short as possible)

The VO story is supposed to stand for that.  Kind of like a metaphor. Master is the older brother and the "The man who only comes out at night" is the younger brother.

I walked away from it for a bit and reread it with different eyes and see how people are confused by it.

The flashbacks are to when the younger brother played with a dead pigeon for fun

I was completely going for a indie noir, I'm glad that came through. But in the ending Porter called the cops and decided to turn his brother in. What Al did is above him.

Thanks for the responses! I appreciate you guys reading my script.

Hi Miguel,

I like your idea of someone looking out for their sibling even though they are a murderer. The structure was confusing but a rewrite can clear that up.

I noticed a typo on the first page. I think you meant to say “Breathes normally” on the second action block.

I liked the narrated story at the beginning. It fits in with the story well.

This feels like the beginning of a story and I think you should make it longer and see what comes out.

Best,
Logan.