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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Sci Fi and Fantasy Scripts  ›  Tide Flash
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  Author    Tide Flash  (currently 1019 views)
Don
Posted: January 20th, 2016, 6:01pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Tide Flash by Steven Burton - Short, Sci Fi, Fantasy - Charles has writer's block, a rip tide threatens his life, and then he discovers inspiration from a teen who shares a story. 10 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  June 3rd, 2019, 5:09pm
revised draft
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RichardR
Posted: January 21st, 2016, 2:45pm Report to Moderator
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Steven,

Some notes

We start with the ocean and these groups on the beach.  Why?  These people won't come up again.  The story starts with Charles and his wife.

He alters his business cards and puts them in his backpack why?  I know it's a convenient way to connect with Johnny, but you can't make Charles do stupid things to further your story.  He has no reason to take the cards.  Now, if he has an old one from before, and Johnny steals it along with a bottle of water, then, you have something that works.  Of course, Johnny won't have the right number, but you can figure out a way around that.  Make this difficult for both of them.

And the rip tide takes both of them, and I'll buy that.  But the dialogue doesn't work for me.  And then, Johnny discovers his talent for storytelling.  I don't think it works that way, but that's  me.  Charles' revelation in the water seems a bit too handy also.  

The formatting needs work also.  You don't double space dialogue.  I think you should read many good scripts and discover how they're formatted and written.  

best
Richard
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cbead
Posted: January 25th, 2016, 1:02am Report to Moderator
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Hi Steven,

I am a newbie and I can see many newbie errors in Tide Flash.

Several times you use O.S when the character is, by the script actually still on screen. I think you mean to use voice over (V.O).

I actually like the situations you place the main characters in and for interaction and conflict. But the dialogue seems way too forced and not genuine in places.

The epiphany they shared is quite a solid hook to this story and I think this could be drawn upon for a better ending, the ending just fizzled for me after some death cheating surf action.

Doesn't look like you are using a screenplay editing software/ site. I recommend to at least go to Celtx, free and easy to use... as you improve then maybe upgrade to decent software.

As Richard said, read heaps of scripts.

Cheers
Chris


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