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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Cat & Mouse Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: March 11th, 2016, 7:38pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Cat & Mouse by Jeremy Storey - Short, Thriller - When Harryís mysterious job returns him to London after a fifteen year absence, his carefully-calibrated anonymity is compromised when he learns that his objective involves an enigmatic old friend who is safeguarding a dreadful secret that will have deadly consequences for them both. - pdf, format


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: March 13th, 2016, 3:20pm Report to Moderator
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A few thoughts, just my opinion of course

1) First time a character in introduced should be CAPS... so should be HARRY
2) 'sits in the back of a BLACK CAB' is superflous as you stated it in the slug.
3) The dialogue feels very Mission Impossible... assume our rugged her is an assassin?
4) Careful what you use CAPS for, e.g. is LATTE somehow important?
5) I do really like some of the dialogue, flair for one liners.
6) Eat and drink like a sailor doesn;t seem to fit the contents of the bag,

Like a lot of this, but the end seemed a little obvious, especially him not really been dead.

Decent effort though

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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Jeremy
Posted: March 15th, 2016, 1:36pm Report to Moderator
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Hello, Anthony. Thank you for the feedback on Cat & Mouse. I appreciate the feedback. Cheers.
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RichardR
Posted: March 20th, 2016, 11:01am Report to Moderator
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Jeremy,

Some notes.

Iím not sure about the first scene.  I know you want to intro the cabby for whatís coming soon, but I find it hard to believe that Harry doesnít recognize the cabby since they have some history, no?  Perhaps I missed something.  If the cabby doesnít speak, itís better to  my mind.

Skip scene two.  Makes no difference.

Scene 3 is used to intro the jacket, so do that and no more.  That the bag is waiting for him is enough.

Scene 4.  A bit of play between the two.  If itís a cake walk, why does he mention other involved groups, and that he make haste.
And the reveal that Harry is going after someone he knew.

Scene 5.  A bit too coincidental if you ask me.  What would Harry do if she didnít recognize him?  Although I like the dialogue.  Shows a bit of regret for these once-upon-a-time lovers.  

Scene 6.  Here is where things get sticky for me.  Harry is supposed to move quickly and yet he parts company with her and goes after someone else who might be a red herring.  Iím sorry but that doesnít fit.  Also, who really cares about how they choose what they wear?  Just have him put on the special jacket, if heís not wearing it already and have her grab the perfume.  Enough.

Scene 7.  The setup for the picnic works although itís not in keeping with his need for speed.

Scene 8.  It might work better if Donovanís dialogue is very short.  No need for saying he tried to call.  Just that he has to go there.

Scene 9.  The picnic is a nice touch and a setup for the cab.  

Scene 10.  Again, I donít understand why the cabbie makes small talk.  And Iím not at all sure why the cabbie would even bring Donovan to the park.  

Scene 11.  Too long for me.  Get to the tree and the initials which is the beat you want.  Run from there.  We already know they regret losing each other.

Scene 12.  Too much talk.  Get to the action.  This is when the story should start racing.  

Scene 13.  Can you skip it and put what dialogue is necessary in the hotel scene?  Again, itís the need for speed at this moment.  Less is more.

Scene 14.  The big reveal.  Lucy is going to liquidate mankind and Harry is the first to go.  I think most people will see this coming, and it doesnít seem big enough.

Scene 15.  The cabbie left the body in the cab?  Why?  Makes no sense.  Now, she might find some blood, but not a body.  That would be stupid for two very smart people.

Scene 16.  The last reversal.  Harry is not dead after all, although Iím not sure why.  Did I miss something?  

Overall, this is a decent little story.  You need to cull out the stuff that doesnít make sense and shorten each scene to its essence.  

Best
Richard
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