The Surprise Party by Ron Houghton - Short, Fantasy, Mystery - A long time bachelor returns home for the most unexpected birthday party of his life.  14 pages - pdf, format

Ron,


Some notes.

I like how your approached this.  The opening scene tells us all we need to know.  I don't think you need to both tell us what he's going to do and show us.  Either one or the other.  I would prefer that if you tell us, then you show the aftermath of his shopping--beer, chicken, etc.  

I don't know about you, but if I came home to an instant family, I wouldn't just look at the grandfather clock.  There would be lots of questions that require lots of details.  Including names.  It seems to me this guy accepts far too readily.  

Now, I think I get that this is his birthday wish, but the wish comes after the change.  You might consider having the wish come first.  The ending leaves us thinking that the wish carried over, and that's fine.  That's my read.  Yet, it's ambiguous.  Works for me.

Good job.

Best
Richard

Thanks for the read Richard.

The reason I repeated his stated actions was to draw attention that this is his annual routine. Wasn't sure if I could establish that without the extra exposition.

As for his somewhat subdued reaction you have a great point. And one that I'm not sure what to do about. The moment he steps through the door should be like stepping into a dream, but without going all Lynchian on it. I thought with the right atmosphere and music I could attain this, but of course that's not in the script. (smacks hand -- bad writer).  

As for the dialog I wanted to try and avoid any direct confrontations, as I feel that might shatter the dreamy quality of the piece.  

As for the ending, I liked the idea of a man getting a wish he hadn't wished for. And your reaction was what I was looking for.

Thanks for taking the time to respond.

Cheers