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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  A Change in Heart Moderators: bert
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  Author    A Change in Heart  (currently 890 views)
Don
Posted: June 26th, 2016, 8:45pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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A Change in Heart by Celine Suchanek - Drama - A twist of fate brings two people together. 106 pages - pdf, format


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cloroxmartini
Posted: June 27th, 2016, 1:45am Report to Moderator
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I read to page 6 and assume English is not your first language? You have a story going here and it feels rough.

I don't get a sense about who the characters are.

The intro paragraph where the boy sees his parents gunned down could use some work to describe what really happens. Shots ring out doesn't work here.

The dialogue doesn't come off as natural and the writing feels primitive, meaning it could use some more expressive words to describe what is going on. Not sure I will read further and I think you could study more scripts and learn how to make this better.
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Fausto
Posted: June 28th, 2016, 3:59pm Report to Moderator
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I read a few pages of your script...and this is my impression: the first issue is that the script is too elementary, to remedy this problem, you have to read more scripts, especially dramas, and learn the style. You also need to revise the logline. Make it more intriguing. There is more to say but for now it's enough. Keep on writing, you'll do well.
Good luck.
Fausto
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Miranda
Posted: June 29th, 2016, 10:29am Report to Moderator
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Hi, I also read it.

IMO!

I found that all the characters need personality. They lack qualities and/or villainous traits. They are tedious.
I also didn't like "Maryanne V.O.". As everyone knows, hardly voice overs like this, enrich a screenplay.

As Fausto said "Keep on writing, you'll do well".

Good luck
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