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The primary purpose of the SimplyScripts Discussion Board is the discussion of unproduced screenplays. If you are a producer or director lookng for your next project, the works here are available for option, purchase or production only if you receive permission from the author.
NOTE: these screenplays are NOT in the public domain and MAY NOT be used or reproduced for any purpose (including eductional purposes) without the expressedwrittenpermission of the author.
I read to page 6 and assume English is not your first language? You have a story going here and it feels rough.
I don't get a sense about who the characters are.
The intro paragraph where the boy sees his parents gunned down could use some work to describe what really happens. Shots ring out doesn't work here.
The dialogue doesn't come off as natural and the writing feels primitive, meaning it could use some more expressive words to describe what is going on. Not sure I will read further and I think you could study more scripts and learn how to make this better.
I read a few pages of your script...and this is my impression: the first issue is that the script is too elementary, to remedy this problem, you have to read more scripts, especially dramas, and learn the style. You also need to revise the logline. Make it more intriguing. There is more to say but for now it's enough. Keep on writing, you'll do well. Good luck. Fausto
I found that all the characters need personality. They lack qualities and/or villainous traits. They are tedious. I also didn't like "Maryanne V.O.". As everyone knows, hardly voice overs like this, enrich a screenplay.
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Author
A Change in Heart
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