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The Family by J.B. Stephens - Short, Thriller - A college age man with a violent criminal past is arrested for the 7th time. An arrest backed by irrefutable evidence of his guilt. Oddly enough he doesn't seem to have a care in the world. 8 pages - pdf, format
I'm not sure you can have a flashback in the slug. You also don't have a day/night attribute. Aside from that, it's a bit perplexing to flashback from a point of time which hasn't even been set up. If anything you can flash forward at the appropriate time to the same effect all the while avoiding any confusion.
If Aaron's voice pierces through the blackness then I would suggest you have the original slug as OVER BLACK before the fade in to the starting scene. No slug describes this opening scene and you start with camera angles and descriptions of which we the audience cannot assume.
Sorry but I couldn't make it past the first page. Read a few scripts and you'll get the hang of it. Best of luck.
Sorry but there are too many things wrong with this to list them all.
A few though. You're action is too long and over written.
In the first action block alone you use five camera directions, you even start doing the sound editors job for him. Just write the story, that's your job.
I think you will benefit from reading a lot more scripts and a few articles on formatting as yours is all over the place.
Formatting is way off. Camera direction throughout. Sentence structure needs to be cleaned up. All the problems are way to distracting to be able to actually give it a read. Sorry. It's not working for me yet.
The main problem with "The Family" is that the style eludes any script rule. It's not up to the screenwriter to direct the camera. In my view, this script needs a complete overhaul starting from the slug lines, dialogue and scene sequences. Remember that the reader (short or feature) needs to understand the story and its development. Otherwise, it's a sure "pass." Read some screenplays and go back to drawing board. My best, Fausto
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