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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  The Promise Between Brothers Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: August 21st, 2016, 8:54am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Promise Between Brothers by Mitchel Pronga - Drama - Brothers Michael and Tye always promise to be there for each other and help each other through their difficult life of growing up with their abusive and alcoholic father, Rob. Michael and Tye soon discover that some promises are hard to keep with their destructive family. 88 pages - pdf, format


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RobertT
Posted: August 21st, 2016, 6:35pm Report to Moderator
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1. Get Final Draft or Celtx or any of the screenwriting software. This was clearly written in Word or Notepad. Okay if it's a first draft.

2. Capitalize the names of characters when we first meet them.

3. The action reads like a bad transcript.  A lot of it can be cut down.

4. When you enter a new location, you need a new slugline. You can't just write in the action that a character is in the living room without the slugline just because they're still in the same house.  Readers will be confused.

5. The dialogue sounds like dialogue.  Very generic and exposition heavy.

6. The Dad is very stereotypical.  I hope this means you're not writing from experience. He's too extreme but still not extreme enough  (hope this makes sense). He's need a method to his madness. Why is he so angry? It can't be because he drinks and works a shitty job. That's a lot of people's lives. He doesn't need flashbacks or a long monologue but he needs some more depth.

7. I got to page 13 and couldn't gone on (gotta work). I don't know where this story is going. Michael is the smart one, so is he planning to go to School out of State and hasn't told Tye yet? Is Tye going to drop out and get involved in the streets? I have no clue and thus no reason to keep reading. The reader has to be gripped within ten to fifteen pages. There's nothing wrong with simple stories but there has to be good conflict.

Hope this helps. Really look into getting screenwriting software.
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