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10 by Evan Davis - Short, Drama - After losing his wife, a widower comes into possession of an item that allows him to go back in time and relive moments with her. 18 pages - pdf, format
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From Evan
The script was produced and is currently in post production. The trailer for it is available on the films Facebook page, I have included a link.
I really loved this. Time travel, lost loves, magic boxes - what's not to like. It's immediately engaging and beautifully written. One of favorite shorts on this site in months. Besides the period decor, it's minimally budgeted, so I can't see you having any problems getting this made.
Two notes: You forgot to capitalize Frank's entrance -- I think you can eliminate those BACK TO PRESENT 's. The story is so well told, I found them unnecessary. And the first time you used it, I presumed we were going back to 1996, and the hospice.
This is a nice tale. It works on many levels. The time travel, the love story. I think you might consider making it a might shorter. Also, I think you might explore a way to add some conflict to the little vignettes. The chase down with the car works because there is conflict. The others simply pile on the syrupy love. Also, I don' think there was bottle water in 1955. A simple thing to fix. And I think there should be some indication that Grandpa learned how to program the box for his daughter. He wasn't a curator, right?
The dialogue gets a little too lovey dovey at times...at last for me. Otherwise, a nice job.
There are some grammar issues. Your lays should be lies and you need a comma whenever you address someone directly even if it’s a pet name or nickname, for example “Yeah sweetheart” and “get some sleep baby girl” both require commas.
Did get a bit too soppy for my taste, in parts, but overall in was enjoyable and well written.
RonH - Thanks for the feedback! I took note of your suggestions and made necessary changes. Appreciate your feedback!
RichardR - Thanks for the feedback and I do believe you are correct about the bottle of water. I missed that. The last draft I did switched the time period and I went back and made adjustments throughout the script and missed that one. Thanks for pointing that out! I have fixed it in the new draft! Appreciate it!
Warren - Thanks for the feedback and catching my grammar errors, I appreciate the corrections and I have fixed them in the new draft!
Thanks everyone!
Evan
If there is anything that I am, I am teachable.
I'd appreciate any feedback you're willing to offer on my scripts:
A Valediction - 24 pages The Dungeon - 9 pages The Undone - 17 pages
Hello everyone, thank you all for reading this script and all the feedback I have received. The script was produced and is currently in post production. The trailer for it is available on the films Facebook page, I have included a link.
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10 - Produced!
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