<<Rewind (Precognition Prologue) by Lee Cordner - Short, Thriller - A liquor store robbery unveils a man's ability to see the future.  7 pages - pdf, format

So this is part of something bigger, a feature?

I liked it for what it was. It does need a lot more explaining to fill in the blanks as to why this is happening.

This is written the same way I used to, and for the most part probably still do, write. I find it hard to change, but in parts this reads like a shopping list, he does this, she does this, he does this and so on. I'm told this can be fixed by changing the perspective of the writing for example, he points the gun could be the gun points, stupid example but hopefully it makes sence.

Someone else could probably explain this better, and they hopefully will.

I still thought it was well written for the most part and I'd be interested to see the final product if there is one.

Good luck.

Thanks for uploading this, Don.

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Hey Warren,

This is a concept in action, nothing more.  Just testing the waters with an idea.  The writing is basic, but I wasn't focused on that.  I just wanted to see what the concept could offer is all.  

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To those who may crack this open:

I'm testing a concept, hence why there's no contact information.  This script is nothing more than a concept in action for a potential future project, so don't consider this as anything "serious".

Lee,

Some notes.

This one has a GROUNDHOG DAY flavor.  The protag goes through the entire sequence over and over.  You do a pretty good job of changing up things on each iteration, although I think the protag should confront the perp on iteration 2, not 3.  On 3, he should stop the killing since that is the logical conclusion of the story.  If the protag dies, then why equip him with pre-sight in the first place?

You can chase down different endings, but killing off everyone but the perp is not a satisfying one--at least for me.  

The writing is fine, although I think you have too many players in the mix.  Raj, the girl, the protag, and the perp are plenty.  

Best
Richard

Lee,

The writing is fine. Followed along pretty well, except your opening which intros Raj and James in the same action block. But that's just me not following along as well as I could have. Past that, it was pretty good. I think it flowed well. It's a good concept, though I've read this type of thing before with the "Groundhog Day" effect, and it might prove challenging to pull off, but if it's a freshly unique take on it, it can be done.  Best of luck to you!

Steve