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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  The Walk Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: October 1st, 2016, 4:48pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Walk by Patrice Thomas - Drama - 40 miles is a long way from home when your lost, alone, and black; surround by the KKK. So Ethel's journey begins...on foot. 94 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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BenL
Posted: October 5th, 2016, 8:49am Report to Moderator
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No offense, but I stopped right after reading just a few lines.

Messed up slugline, the entire description is unfilmable, no information about the character apart from the name...

That's the worst start a screenplay could possibly have. Sorry to say, but this is the perfect example of a writer who didn't look up how to write a screenplay....
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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: October 5th, 2016, 9:53am Report to Moderator
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Hi Patrice, welcome to Simplyscripts.

The good news is that I think this is a good story. The premise is quite chilling.

The bad news is that you haven't learnt the way that screenplays are written yet. It's an audio/visual medium which means that you have to write only what we can see and hear, as though we were watching on a TV screen.

"Born in 1882,73 year old Edna Young is Matriarch of her
family. She and her husband, William, are the last living of
the old plantation South. Edna came into her small fortune
when she and William where sharecropping on a former slave
owners plantation. The plantation owner’s wife killed her
abusive husband and Edna helped her bury the body. The Woman
purchased the home Edna lives in and gave it along with $500
dollars to keep Edna silent. Edna took the money and started
her own small hair salon. Women, black and white, flocked
from everywhere to get their hair done up at Edna’s Place.
Edna, now semi-retired, has since turned control over to her
youngest child, Helen. "


You can't give out information like the above in the way you can with novels. You either have to show us...the action happens on screen. Or you have to tell us in dialogue.

We call the above "unfilmable".

You have to write in the action lines only what we see on screen.

http://thestorydepartment.com/ten-format-mistakes/
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Herbert
Posted: October 6th, 2016, 4:37am Report to Moderator
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Hello, Patrice. Short version: Interesting premise, but everything else needs work.

Full notes; https://drive.google.com/open?id=0BxE-Pj9wp1dyZy1FNXUxRXlhQ1E
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AlsoBen
Posted: October 6th, 2016, 5:16am Report to Moderator
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That's some really great feedback, Herbert. I hope the writer's around to see it.


MY SCRIPTS:

I Don't Even Think About You Anymore (Short) 5 pages

Hera (Mystery/Drama) 83 Pages

What A Good Boy Does (Short/Drama) 10 Pages
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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: October 6th, 2016, 5:26am Report to Moderator
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Seconded.
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Herbert
Posted: October 6th, 2016, 7:37am Report to Moderator
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Thanks, you two. Really appreciate it.
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