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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Tween Twouble Moderators: bert
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  Author    Tween Twouble  (currently 717 views)
Don
Posted: October 1st, 2016, 4:49pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Tween Twouble by Ronald Pergola - Short, Drama, Horror - Three tweens plot and execute a neighborhood robbery with a horrific pay off. 10 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
bert  -  October 1st, 2016, 6:06pm
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Warren
Posted: October 2nd, 2016, 3:40pm Report to Moderator
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It's relatively well written with a few typos and grammar issues.

un-cat-eristic? Really? So cringe worthy.

Some parts of this make no sence to me. Why rob the place and instantly want to give it back, yes you have a reason but it doesn't work for me.

Two occasions where two characters literally say exactly the same thing at the same time. Seriously when does that ever happen with more than just a word or two.

The ending was completely out of left field. Without any actual reason for that to happen, it didn't make much sense to me. Also, who after finding such a horrific scene would be calm enough to feed and water the cat?

I think there could be something here, it just needs a lot of work.


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JakeJon
Posted: October 3rd, 2016, 2:25pm Report to Moderator
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W,
Thanks for the read.
Sorry some parts didn't make sence to you.  
To answer your "who would" question,  "the same psycho tween that committed the murder."
  
R
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RichardR
Posted: October 3rd, 2016, 2:26pm Report to Moderator
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some notes.

I think you need a better setup for this one.  Why do the tweens need the money, and why can't they get it in some other way?  Without that, the tweeens are criminals and who cares about them?  We do care about Mrs. Hanes, although maybe we shouldn't since the money appears not hers to begin with.  This story screams for more.  A better start for the tweens and then some further jeopardy when Mrs. Hanes remembers that two girls did a survey, but she remembers that it's never two but three....

In any case, this isn't a bad start.  

Best
Richard
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