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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  A Cool Green Place Moderators: bert
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  Author    A Cool Green Place  (currently 1034 views)
Don
Posted: October 4th, 2016, 6:22pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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A Cool Green Place by Steve Miles - Short, Comedy - A paranoid office worker finds himself at the mercy of a caffeine loving Yucca who yearns for freedom.  Freedom and maybe some casual murderÖ 12pp - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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Warren
Posted: October 4th, 2016, 7:38pm Report to Moderator
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Excellent job.

This was so, so funny, I literally laughed out loud several times. Great, snappy dialogue.

I saw everything you wanted me to see.

The are some typos, would be easy to spot on a read through.

I guess itís not the most original idea, I think it is similar to a produced script on this site. Not that Iím calling plagiarism or anything like that.

Most things arenít really that original, itís what you do with a used idea that counts and this is fantastic.

Iím sure it will get picked up, would be easy and cheap to make.

Everyone read this, it will crack you up.


To View All My Scripts Please Use The Link Below

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spesh2k
Posted: October 4th, 2016, 10:32pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Steven,

How's everything? Haven't seen you around much, was delighted to see something else from you here on the boards.

Anyway, it's been awhile since I've read anything of yours, but the writing is very good here. You've definitely improved over the years.

Liked the dialogue and liked the Yucca plant character, Maxwell. By the way, his name is never given audibly throughout the script (if I recall correctly). I understand giving the plant a name because he is a major character with considerable dialogue, but you could have just called him "Yucca". Giving him a name helps the reader, I suppose, but by naming him "Yucca", it would still be easy to follow. The viewing audience, however, wouldn't know his name was Maxwell. Maybe Reuben asks him what his name is after a while?

I liked how Maxwell talks Reuben into things (and out of things). And Maxwell asking him to kill Frank was random and off-kilter, but very funny. I'm assuming the plant talks Reuben into picking up a hitchhiker to kill at the end?

Really enjoyed this, Steven, good job!

-- Michael


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MarkItZero
Posted: October 5th, 2016, 8:14pm Report to Moderator
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This was absolutely brilliant. The only tweak I can think of is to actually introduce Frank's character in that first scene instead of all O.S. dialogue. I like the little false start with him thinking Frank is the plant talking... but then maybe have him pop his head up over the desk and take the calculator. Feels weird that he never shows his face during that whole exchange.

Very minor nitpick though. This is brilliant comedy.


That rug really tied the room together.
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RichardR
Posted: October 6th, 2016, 7:58am Report to Moderator
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Nicely done.

Best
Richard
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Gum
Posted: October 6th, 2016, 10:02am Report to Moderator
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Oh man, top drawer, lol.

I think, and itís just an opinion of course, if Maxwell had a southwestern flavor in his accent; like Ren Hoek (Ren and stimpy), he could really draw out the ineptitude of a talking plantÖ hell bent on murderÖ

Maxwell: ďThat son of a beech is trying to covet your milkÖ why donít you just keel him already!Ē

Other than that, well done, funny stuff...
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stevemiles
Posted: October 6th, 2016, 12:56pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks all for taking a look.

Michael - I neglected to outright name Maxwell in the dialogue, kind of a leftover from the first draft and something I need to re-work.  Yes, the way I saw it Reubenís building up to a murder of some-kind - Iím considering working this into a two maybe three parter.  Thought Iíd float this one first to gauge the reaction and go from there.  

Canis - getting the Yuccaís voice right would be crucial to making this work.  Something along the lines of Ren could be pretty funny.  Writing this I saw Maxwell as sounding somewhere between Eddie Murphy and Walter Sobchak from TBLÖ  

Thanks again, if I can return the reads for anyone just point me in the right direction.

Steve


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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Nolan
Posted: October 6th, 2016, 5:30pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Steve,

I enjoyed this.  I don't really have anything to say other than that.  Hopefully this will get picked up!

Nolan
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eldave1
Posted: October 7th, 2016, 5:24pm Report to Moderator
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Okay - I looked at the logline and thought there is no foking way this is going to be any good. (i.e., not because the logline was badly written - but the premise of the story).

Boy, was I wrong. This was fabulous. Several laugh out loud moments - this one in particular:

SPOILER


Quoted Text
MAXWELL (V.O.)
Do your nuts get cold in that
skirt


Brilliant work man - you made a story about a talking plant a delight.

P.S - you need to work in the term "Plant Asset" somewhere (old accountant here).


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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stevemiles
Posted: October 8th, 2016, 1:56pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks Nolan, appreciate it.

Cheers for the read Dave - hoping to claw back some time this week to check out the new feature.

All the best,

Steve


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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eldave1
Posted: October 8th, 2016, 2:37pm Report to Moderator
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Great - thanks, Steve


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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StevenClark
Posted: October 9th, 2016, 7:14pm Report to Moderator
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Good work here, Steve. Tight writing, a breeze to read. I didn't quite know what to make of this at first. My mind is always thinking there's a deeper meaning somewhere and I'm just missing the point. Oh, and three pages in I stopped and went on YouTube to see exactly what kind of plant we're talking about here. I did learn how to strip the leaves, however.

I think a less experienced writer does not pull this off the way you did. As is, although there were some funny lines throughout and a humorous tone, this didn't work for me as it did for others. I like how you circled around back to the hitch-hiker, and I like that it ended like that. It just feels incomplete. Now if you choose to continue this like you mentioned, I'm on board, as always, to go along on the journey of Reuben and the Yucca.

Steve


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stevemiles
Posted: October 11th, 2016, 5:44pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks Steve - glad you got some pruning tips out of it.

As for something deeper, I don't know if it comes across all that strongly, but this is really about Reuben's desire for change/freedom (and maybe some murder).  I kind of like the idea that the Yucca is all in his head.  I'll have to see where I can take it from here.

Cheers,

Steve.


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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