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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2K16 One Week Challenge  ›  The Girl Without Hands - OWC
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  Author    The Girl Without Hands - OWC  (currently 1311 views)
Don
Posted: October 15th, 2016, 12:16pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Girl Without Hands by ThE StOryTelleR

A Miller who has fallen little by little into poverty, sees his escape out of the circle of poorness due a dark pact. What he don't know is that his  counterpart fouls him and leads him with that into a path of badness and abomination, where there is no return.

Short Action Horror based on The Girl without Hands


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irish eyes
Posted: October 15th, 2016, 1:36pm Report to Moderator
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I'm not sure if someone is taking the piss lol
The logline pretty much sets up the script and makes it a chore to read.
It's littered with camera directions, pages numbered, wrylies, continues and a lot of passive writing... besides the protag is named "The Miller"

So we have a confrontation with the Devil, who disappears and appears then disappears and appears again.  
Now we're using POV which is fine but you follow it up with "We see"

Next line
"We see the door open and a the Miller coming in."   This line pretty much sums up the script.

Now we have a montage. Using all the tricks I see

Ok finished... Besides multiple spelling mistakes and the wrong use of words throughout, there is a story in there.

Selling his soul to the Devil. Only when the Devil wants repaid do things take a little more off a twist.  

Poorly written but you have the makings of a story


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Angry Bear
Posted: October 15th, 2016, 2:02pm Report to Moderator
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Another script loaded with errors. It made it a chore to read. I'm thinking English is not your strong suit either. That's fine of course. Been there myself. The story works, because, well it's a Brothers Grimm story.   I haven't read the story, but I have a feeling you took that story and turned it into a script.

Btw, that is not a montage. Those are SERIES OF SHOTS.

Good luck and listen to  all your feedback and your scriptwriting will improve immensely in no time. Reading scripts also help.  


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Dreamscale
Posted: October 15th, 2016, 3:42pm Report to Moderator
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Logline riddled with errors.  Title Page riddled with errors, 1 being that this is not taken from a "novel", but a fairy tale.  We're off to a very, very poor start.

Opening Slug terrible.  Opening passage one of the worst I've read in quite some time, as it's riddled with errors, and not even a proper screenplay passage, based on how it's written, and the fact that it's all you telling us info, taken directly from the source material.

OH boy...attack of the "we see".

Sorry, I said earlier I was going to really try and read each and every script in its entirety, but there's no way I'm slogging through this.  There are mistakes on literally every single line.

Obviously, a writer who doesn't have much or any screenwriting experience, so I apologize if my words seem mean.  I'm going to stop here, and am sorry to give this...

Grade - F


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MarkRenshaw
Posted: October 16th, 2016, 7:11am Report to Moderator
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This script does suffer from a lot of common screenwriting problems. There are lots of unfilmable statements. The opening action block is a prime example, unless you plan to put this on screen as text, in which case you’ll need a SUPER for that.

There’s lots of camera shots both implied and implicit. These are not usually used in a spec script but done properly in a shooting script. There’s lots of typos, sure this is a vomit draft but there are a lot.

There’s way too many parentheticals. If your action and dialogue are written correctly, you should rarely need to use a parenthetical. Trust the actor to know how to act, you concentrate on writing the story.

Overall the script does read like a short story but I will say this. When the father was dragging the daughter to the tree, it did get very tense indeed. However, instead of giving us some nice twist to get out of the devil’s contract he just chops her hands off and it ends. I thought with the Devil’s weakness towards water, we were building up to a satisfactory ending but it didn’t.

Maybe you ran out of time but I’d encourage you to give this a really good polish from top to bottom. I’d also suggest having a think about how you could end it differently if you didn’t have to worry about page numbers.

Well done for entering. Hopefully the feedback you are getting (as tough as it may be!) is helpful.

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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RaphaelH
Posted: October 16th, 2016, 9:42am Report to Moderator
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Most of the negative reviews on this page have focused on the writers technical abilities (Or lack thereof) but I'm basing this review on the story.

The author chose to adapt only the beginning of the Source Material. The later scenes of the story, involving the girl being supported by an angel and getting hands made of silver, have been cut. I think that this is a wise decision, not only due to the page limits, but the fact that it's very easy to take the prologue and turn it into a stand-alone scary story.

Like many of the other tales in this contest, this has a slow build and a gory climax, but I thought it was handled well. After so many blood-drenched versions of Snow White or Pinocchio, It's nice to see a faithful take on a more obscure and interesting fairy tale
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Warren
Posted: October 16th, 2016, 5:00pm Report to Moderator
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There is so much wrong with this I’m not sure where to start.

The numbered scene headings, “we see and “we hear”, camera directions, continued’s at the top and bottom of the pages, numerous formatting issues. Grammar issues. Lots of passive writing. Over use and incorrect use of wrylies.

Best advice is to read a hell of a lot more scripts and some articles on formatting.

Pass from me.


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StevenClark
Posted: October 17th, 2016, 1:55pm Report to Moderator
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Writer,

Okay, so if I had to guess this was written more like a play, not that I would really know what that looks like as I've not read many plays. I'm sure you've heard it, but this has many issues -- too many "we sees", too many parentheticals, improper spelling, punctuation, etc. That said, the story was supposed to be told with your own, unique twist. I'm only presuming when I say this seems as it may have almost been copied from its original. Forgive me if I am wrong. Still, this needs a major overhaul to get it to even approach what a screenplay is supposed to look and read like.  

Feel free to hit me up if you'd like anything explained further.

Steve


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Gum
Posted: October 19th, 2016, 12:05am Report to Moderator
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The title intrigued me enough to stop in, however, when I read the logline I knew I was in for a bumpy ride. I won't go into the logistics of what's holding this back anymore than what's already been mentioned in previous posts.

Regarding the machinations of the tale, it's pretty much just a retelling of the first part of the original Grimm tale, with your own take on it. Honestly, after reading this script (and other variants), I would have no reservations renaming this to "The Man with no Heart".

The initial meeting in the forest between the Devil and the Miller, was actually a well written visual. It played out wonderfully in my head. I was imagining some ominous creature as it shape shifts between the ethereal and the real in order to toy with the Miller's head and, relay a message of just how powerful he (Devil) really is. But is he?

With the creeping fog, that same sinister resonating voice promises of treasures untold... and for what? For what lies behind a shed? So, under the assumption it's nothing more than an apple tree, the man obliges without contemplation. I guess a moral here is: "if something appears to good to be true, it usually is".

Most times, all the Devil has to offer is a display of smoke and mirrors, coupled with a few shiny trinkets to lure the weak and desperate.

Anyways, the Miller's daughter is, apparently, too clean for the Devil to take, and thus, forces the Miller to remove that which could clean her flesh... guess he wants her to rot, but the Miller unfortunately misses the mark... it's her soul, most likely, that's too clean. For she has love in her heart.

Thus, by (Miller) removing her hands, the daughter will grow to possess an enormous amount of resentment, loathing, and unholy disdain for her father. When the time is right, after years of vile hatred welling up inside of her, till she's black and fetid towards a God that would allow this to happen to her... only then will she be rotten enough for the (Beast) to use at its disposal.

Perhaps he (Devil) could then offer her hands back in return for, say... her father's head?

All just opinion of course. Best of luck...
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Cam Gray
Posted: October 19th, 2016, 1:05am Report to Moderator
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Writer,

I'm not going to lay into you for the formatting or the typos, you've had enough of that above, but certainly you've got some issues there.

It was a good little story, it just could have done with a bit of originality injected into it. Maybe set in a modern business setting, with a power hungry CEO?

Anyway, sorry to say but it wasn't for me.


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Equinox
Posted: October 19th, 2016, 4:36pm Report to Moderator
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Lots of cardinal sins in the writing here, and a good chunk of grammar and spelling issues as far as I'm qualified to say so. Way too many parentheticals. It's enough to describe the speech once (if necessary at all), not repeatedly for every line of dialog. Looks like it's written with CeltX - I quit that one because it's a mess to configure it properly.

Story-wise, it's quite okay. Nothing special but okay. Missing the horror here a bit as well, even though the writer is trying hard to make certain parts sound very dramatical or terrifying - it just doesn't work for me.

Anyways, due to the format issues and the writing style, I'd suppose this is a relatively new writer, and I've definately seen worse 'beginner' scripts. @Writer If you're not a new writer, sorry about that - no offense.


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Abe from LA
Posted: October 19th, 2016, 11:50pm Report to Moderator
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Ditto to most of what has been said. But mechanics aside, the story has a bit of appeal. i like that the father misinterprets the Devil's deal. What seems to be missing, as previously mentioned, is some kind of twist.
I can't offer any interesting solutions here, but some kind of reversal or misdirection would add some spice. Keep writing and reading to get the screenwriting style down. At the same time, sharpen your story-telling skills. Look at the stories that offer some interesting irony and learn from that. It's commendable that you gave this OWC a try, and stayed in for the duration. Assuming this is your first OWC, it's a solid starting point. Good luck.
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PrussianMosby
Posted: October 20th, 2016, 11:28am Report to Moderator
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Solid title. Weak logline - When you don't want to give us definite information, don't let us read such amount of stuff we cannot identify and consider. Be more precise or keep it short.

Wrong scene numbers, lots of wrylies, continued at page breaks.
Okay, I see there are more problems. Plot and dialogue make it clear how a character speaks. You don't need to add the tone by using parentheses. Too many We's . Especially you should describe clear and DIRECT pictures. Lots of other issues… so just invest time to internalize the conventions of a screenplay presentation.

Okay story: You can tell a story for sure. Your devil differs from the clichée, I liked that. Some shock scenes were very good. The father not giving his own life was a weak decision and regarding dramaturgy, your audience would be unsatisfied concerning the ending, probably. Cowardice wins, is an odd ending to me. Not bad.



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PraneelNand
Posted: October 21st, 2016, 2:25am Report to Moderator
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As the above posters have said, quite a few errors. I couldn't get through this but it was a great attempt.

I would suggest for you to read scripts, read them, study them, you'll understand soon enough what is required in a script and what isn't. "We see" or "we hear" are never a good idea, stay away from them.

We see, in a wide-hot, the yard of the Miller. He is siting
on a chair and observing his daughter dancing around the
tree.

We see a close-up of the face of the Miller. He is looking
happy and sad at once. His look moves down to the mark on
his hand. It looks like it was made yesterday.

You shouldn't give camera directions or shots, that's the job of the DOP.

You shouldn't give actor cues, that's between the director and actor.

An example of the above paragraphs.

Yellow and brown leaves dance through the wind, the millers daughter races to keep up.

The miller sits in a faded oak chair and watches, lost in her youthful innocence.

A jolting pain reminds him of the mark, he scratches at its throbbing edge, still blistered, as if made yesterday.

Anyway, I hope I could help, don't get discouraged we all started where you are now and we are all still learning. Good luck.


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ChrisBodily
Posted: October 26th, 2016, 7:43pm Report to Moderator
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Since The Girl Without Hands is locked, I guess this is the place to review it.

Here goes...

Title should be in ALL CAPS.

Random capitals in your pseudonym.


Quoted Text
Based on the novel of the Brothers Grimm


1. It's a fairy tale, not a novel.
2. Your English is atrocious. I have low hopes for the script.

Numbered scenes, which you should only be doing in a shooting script; and even then, you're doing it wrong. In shooting scripts, the numbers go on both sides of the slug. But since this is supposed to be a spec, the numbers shouldn't even be there.

You wrote in in past tense, probably copy-pasting the fairy tale verbatim. All (good) screenplays are present tense. Everything is happening NOW. Washington is crossing the Delaware NOW. Robots are fighting each other in the future NOW. Joe Blow is scratching his butt NOW. Think of that scene from Spaceballs.

VERY poor start, I'm afraid.

"We see." "We hear." "We" are never part of a screenplay. The world "we" should never appear in a screenplay, except in dialogue. Only pros can break this rule; you're not even close.

"walking towards into to forest." WTF?

"walking [into the] forest." That's more like it.

"CONTINUES" should be "CONTINUOUS." Even then, I don't think it's necessary, as every scene is basically continuous anyway.

Him who? The Miller? Tell us. An another thing: Why don't you name him?

"Sweet-soaked"?? You mean "sweat-soaked," right?

"Birds are flying out of the trees."

Active voice.

"looks nervously around" = "looks around nervously."

What laughing? Did I miss something? Oh. You should have capitalized that first laugh to make it stand out, and because it's an OS sound effect.

The Miller's dialogue sucks. Who says...?


Quoted Text
Where are you[? or ! would be better than a period] Show me your face[,]
invisible stranger!



Quoted Text
VOICE (O.S)
(very deep voice)
Big words, for such a little man.


No. No they're not.

Waaay too many parentheticals! Don't tell the actors how to act!

Your POV shot is wrong. It should be:


Quoted Text
MILLER'S P.O.V. - DEVIL


And it should end with a slug reading:


Quoted Text
BACK TO SCENE


P.O.V. paragraph is insanely long and overwritten. I wouldn't mind it if it were good, but... Yikes!

"The view changes:" See above.

Page one ends on an orphan, followed by CONTINUED. And continue, I shall not. I'm out on Page 1. Yikes, am I really turning into Jeff?  

Challenges/Parameters: Incomplete
Story/Script/Execution: Z
Formatting/Technical: F
Horror: F

Pass.

Anyway, I have two more left to read/review. Today's batch has been some of the worst of the bunch, IMO.

That said, good luck to everybody.  


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