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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Family Scripts  ›  To Ride or Not to Ride
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  Author    To Ride or Not to Ride  (currently 1775 views)
Don
Posted: November 4th, 2016, 5:07pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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To Ride or Not to Ride by Ronald Pergola - Short, Family, Dramedy - A father and son discover that a "Guy Thing" is more often than not a "Gal Thing" as well. 12 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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RichardR
Posted: November 14th, 2016, 10:24am Report to Moderator
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Some notes.

Good work.  This one reads well and moves along.  My only nits come with the kids.  They're 6, but they sound older.  And I think they would use more slang, stuff from TV.  They're not going to use correct English all the time.

Otherwise, good work.

Richard
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khamanna
Posted: November 14th, 2016, 6:14pm Report to Moderator
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"Converse
high tops, jeans and tee shirt" - you say at first he's casually dressed, then again describe his outfit - I don't think you need both.
Here "Okay, Tom. Inside.  Change your
clothes and we’ll try it again.  
Fifteen minutes should do it.  
Right?  We’ll try the backyard.  
You know, grass, no worries.  AND  
Tom, no dawdling." - he keeps calling him by the first name all the time. That's rare. I think you better get rid of the first "Tom".
Sue Ellen calls Tommy "such a jerk"
Rita calls Bernie "such a jerk"
They better say different things I think.

The ending is not as punchy. I think it's the dialog, it could sound sharper. Maybe if you got away with "your such a jerk" at the end and left it at "she took care of your guy thing". That would be much better I think.

Anyway, nice job. I really liked it.
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JakeJon
Posted: November 15th, 2016, 11:01am Report to Moderator
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Shocked!
Was pretty certain no one would read.  Thanks and thanks for the feedback.  Considering all.
Much obliged.

JJ
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