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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Horror  ›  The Comic Book
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  Author    The Comic Book  (currently 865 views)
Don
Posted: November 26th, 2016, 9:03am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Comic Book by Kevin Xaverius - Short, Horror - In a warm, sunny day, two little girls are fighting over a comic book.  2 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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eldave1
Posted: November 26th, 2016, 6:30pm Report to Moderator
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Kevin: well written for the most part - I just feel I am missing something. The violent act seems quite random - maybe that's the point.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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JakeJon
Posted: November 26th, 2016, 7:23pm Report to Moderator
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K,
Okay,  2 well written pages of what?  Horror?  I guess I'm just not a fan.   A 7 year old who comes to the playground "ready for action" with a butcher knife, in her backpack.  And an 8 year old left twitching in a pool of blood. Just my opinion, but I think you used your talent to take the easy way out.

Personally, I much rather have read a more detailed story about Emily.  There's a character waiting to blossom.


JJ
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KevinX
Posted: November 28th, 2016, 2:26am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from eldave1
Kevin: well written for the most part - I just feel I am missing something. The violent act seems quite random - maybe that's the point.


Eldave,
yes, my intention is to drastically change the tone for surprise effect. But maybe my timing wasn't so good that it felt more like random rather than shocking for you.


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KevinX
Posted: November 28th, 2016, 2:26am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from JakeJon
K,

Personally, I much rather have read a more detailed story about Emily.  There's a character waiting to blossom.


JJ


Hey, that's a nice suggestion! Thanks JJ. Definitely will put that into consideration


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RichardR
Posted: November 29th, 2016, 1:48pm Report to Moderator
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Some notes

I think what this one lacks is escalation.  Children this young rarely jump from pushing to knifing in a  minute.  You might try to find a way to push this one a step at a time.  Snatching, pushing, hair pulling, etc.  And you probably need a better setup for the payoff.  Some mention that she has the answer to the problem in her backpack.  Turns out to be a big knife, but the audience won't know that.

Best
Richard
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Dreamscale
Posted: November 30th, 2016, 11:16am Report to Moderator
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Hey Kevin, I read your script...all 1 and 3/4 pages.

Peeps have commented that this is well written, but it's not really, sorry to say.

There are only 5 passages over 1 line and one of them ends in an orphan.  Many of these 1 line passages should actually be 2, but for some reason, you chose to start a new passage, and on several of them you omitted the subject, which reads awkwardly.

Numerous examples of incorrect words being used - on/in, or just very awkwardly phrased - "She then bursts out a loud laughter".

Because of the way you chose to write basically all 1 line passages, this is padded, meaning, in reality, you probably have a 1 page script here...which means there's not alot going on.

We get nothing out of the 2 characters, which is why the "shocking ending" doesn't do much.

You have 2 Slugs here, but they're the same thing, other than the time element. When just showing that time has passed, simply use "LATER", but understand that doesn't transfer to film very well without a FADE OUT and then a FADE IN.

For me, this doesn't work at all, other than being shocking for the sake of being shocking.  Needs some cleaning up in structure and writing, as well as some sort of character building.

Sorry if this come across as harsh, but I hope you can take what i said and use it to better your writing.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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bert
Posted: November 30th, 2016, 11:30am Report to Moderator
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Take the last 5 paragraphs of the script -- then keep the final 2 paragraphs, but delete the previous 3.

Less is more.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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Dreamscale
Posted: November 30th, 2016, 4:29pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from bert
Take the last 5 paragraphs of the script -- then keep the final 2 paragraphs, but delete the previous 3.Less is more.


HUH?  


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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spesh2k
Posted: November 30th, 2016, 9:39pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Kevin,

This wasn't a terrible effort, but it needs work.

The writing is okay at best. Easy on the eyes but awkward wording and sentence structure at spots (Dreamscale covered this already).

Also, not sure why you start new action/description paragraphs a lot of the time here. It serves more of a purpose outside of looking presentable - you should start new action/description paragraphs when focus of action changes (or change of focus on another object).

As for the story - there's no set-up. It just happens. I understand shock value, but the act of a child doing that to another child is shocking enough. There should be some sort of build-up.

I don't mean to be harsh, but this story would be more effective as a newspaper headline - Child Stabs Another Child Over Comic Book.  

I'd try to add more of a build-up. Or add other elements to make this more than just an occurrence.

--Michael



The Suicide Theory trailer https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5eaXXOKJvtg (available on Amazon Prime, Itunes, Google Play, Youtube, Vudu, DVD, etc - 78% Rotten Tomatoes Score)

And check out a teaser trailer for my latest feature film RAGE, to be release late 2020. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ksVXItnu4Y&t=4s
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KevinX
Posted: December 7th, 2016, 12:17pm Report to Moderator
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Sorry everyone I took a long time to respond, has been quite busy these few days.

Thank you very much for reading and reviewing the script. A lot of useful suggestions here and definitely will put them into consideration.

Best,
Kevin


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eldave1
Posted: December 7th, 2016, 12:47pm Report to Moderator
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Best of luck - look forward to it


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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