Count The Hours by Quinn Kilhenny - Short, Thriller - A man must stop his alternate personality from killing himself.  20 pages - pdf, format

New writer interested in feedback on this work

Loving the premise.


Will check it out soon.

Before I read; the script itself doesn't have a name or an author on its title page. Just says "screenplay".

Gave this a read:

Quoted Text INT. BILL’S HOUSE - MORNING BILL sets the table, on which there is a neat assortment of eggs, biscuits, and bacon. There are two plates on opposite sides of each other. CAROL slowly meanders out of the bedroom.

Sounds like they're in the dining room. If so - put that in your slug. e.g.,

INT. BILL’S HOUSE/DINING ROOM - MORNING

Also - some description - at least age - on your characters would be a plus.

Quoted Text BILL Are you sure you don’t want me to go with you? To the funeral? CAROL No, you can’t take the time off.

Bill's line is a little too OTN - I would stop his at you? and make Carol's line :" No, you can’t take the time off. Besides, you hate funerals.

A lot of the dialogue is the scene is okay - but it gets tedious (e.g., don't think the salt conversation adds anything).

The Second Scene (INT. CAFE - DAY)

You get in this scene far too late and ergo you have the minutia of the coffee and tea ordering. I recommend starting a scene is late in the process as you can and ending it soon as you can. Get in and get out. In the case, I  think you should already have the coffee and tea on the table and start the scene here:

Quoted Text JOE So, Bill, what’s going on?

Some notes.

I like the premise.  A split personality tries to commit suicide to save his wife from his other self.  Cool.  I think you need to find a reason why it's always 10 o'clock.  Without some reason, it's too arbitrary.  Also, drop the scene with Joe running into his colleague on the street.  Just adds cost and little else.  

The dialogue is too on the nose, and you need a way to hide what is going on.  Try a reversal or two.  Joe thinks the original Bill is the sane one, then the insane one, and then the sane one.  

Cut out as much as you can and trim the action paragraphs.  Try to limit them to 4 lines or fewer.  

Best
Richard

Hi, Quinn.

This was a pretty good script.

Pacing:

The First and second scenes could start slightly later. The first might work better starting with Bill and Carol, mid conversation, at Bill's line "Are you sure you don’t want me to
go with you? To the funeral?". And the second might work better start at Bill's line "Joe, do you remember what happened... before?". The Third scene feels unnecessary. I like the idea (the line “who’s really in charge up there?” is a subtle way of building towards the twist) but it does bog down the story some.

The ending was rather abrupt, too. Might be nice to have some reflection from Carol's perspective.

Characters:

I like how you reversed the standard split-personality formula with Bill. Typically in these sorts of stories, the dormant half is the bad half, but here it’s the opposite. That’s an interesting departure from what I normally see, and it caught me off guard. I like that we subtly get an idea of Regular Bill's intentions from the very first page, when he says:

BILL
Are you sure you don’t want me to go along with you? To the funeral, I mean?

You’d think Bill outright asking about the funeral at the start would be too on the nose, but in fact it gives a peak behind Regular Bill's facade- telling us from the get-go where his ambitions truly lie. It might be more effective if you start the scene from there, though. And maybe expand on that moment a bit, like have Bill push the issue, Carol resists, then Bill plays it off and quickly changes the subject.

Sadly, Bill is more plot device than character. He doesn't feel like he could exist outside of this particular story like Joe does (we'll get to that). Beyond his plot-device nature, my issues with Bill lie predominantly with Regular Bill, and how illogical his actions are.

Why wasn’t Regular Bill at least a little suspicious of Joe suddenly asking about the inheritance, the very night Joe happened to meet Good Bill? When he stays with Joe, why didn’t Regular Bill take every precaution to ensure Good Bill was bound upon awakening? He doesn't think to have himself tied up, at least for insurance? How did Bill expect to fake his wife's suicide without suspicion? Any forensic scientist would see signs of struggle on her body, and Joe could raise suspicion about Regular Bill’s inheriting Carol's money. Why isn’t there an investigation into Carol’s father’s death? He was poisoned, and she stood to gain a sizable inheritance. Did Bill poison Carol’s father? You'd think Regular Bill would endlessly watch the clock the whole day he planned to kill Carol and take the inheritance. How did it not dawn on him it was later than 7:54 until Page 16? He picked Carol up from the airport, surely he looked at the car clock, or his cell phone, or his watch.

It just seems like Regular Bill would be a tad more calculating and attentive than he is in the script.

I like the symbolic juxtaposition of Good Bill’s selfless suicidal intent hidden in the dark, while Regular Bill’s murderous intent thrives in the light.

It’s weird that Joe felt like a more developed character than Bill. Bill is purely defined by what he contributes to the plot, whereas we at least learn little details about Joe; drinks lots of caffeine because he's sleep deprived (though, that idea could be played with a little more), just got promoted at his job, humorous in conversation. He's decent supporting character. Though, an issue arises with him on page 5;

BILL
I think he was attempting to commit suicide. You remember it was Ten o’ clock, right? It was always Ten o’ clock.

JOE
Yeah, well I’m busy tonight.

He’s willing to let his friend commit suicide? Why?

Back to the symbolism; while I liked some of the ideas, but a lot of it is heavy handed/unnecessary.

There’s lots of emphasis on the number two- two cups of coffee, two plates, two keys, etc. Where Joe ordering two cups of coffee works as both symbolism and character development (he's sleep deprived), elsewhere (keys, plates) the added emphasis is too obvious.

I know it’s there because there’s two Bills, but already know there are two Bills, so the symbolism of "two" doesn’t give us any new information or ideas. Maybe if you added more specificity it would work better. Instead of two identical cups of coffee, maybe one is lighter than the other. , and the darker cup sits closest to Regular Bill, or something. This would tell us more about Bill’s hidden intentions earlier on.

The dialogue, while often on the nose, is serviceable. There's a particularly weird choice on Page 18:

BILL
Feel the life get sucked out of you!

I get he’s crazed, but that strikes me as too over the top.

By page 6, the scene description starts to become unnecessarily long. Examples; You could cut-

The house looks quiet, all the lights are off. A taxi drives
up, and Joe hurriedly jumps out. He races onto the porch and
begins pounding on the door.

down to-

The house lies in hushed darkness. A taxi pulls into the driveway, Joe stumbles out. He races onto the porch, pounds the door.

29 words/3 lines down to 23 words/2 lines.

Or the very next piece of description-

There is no answer. Joe hops off the porch and heads around
the side of the house. The walls are covered in ivy, and one
of the upper windows is open. Joe wraps his hand around one
of the strands, places his feet against the side of the
house, and slowly starts to climb. He reaches the window and
crawls inside easily enough.

down to-

No answer. Joe hops off the porch, sprints to the side of the house. A second floor lie open. He grips the ivy covered wall. Clambers up.

Climbs inside the window.

63 words/6 lines down to 31 words/4 lines.

Screenwriting (especially shorts) is all about economy. Treat your And's, There's, Is's, Are's, etc like enemy combatants, and terminate them with extreme prejudice (where you can, of course).