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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Comedy Scripts  ›  Naughty Nazis
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  Author    Naughty Nazis  (currently 862 views)
Don
Posted: February 4th, 2017, 7:21pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Naughty Nazis by Richard Rivera - Short, Comedy, Satire - An ambitious network executive manages to piss off his fellow executives and the public when he airs a brand new sitcom -- that takes place in a Jewish concentration camp. 4 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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AnthonyCawood
Posted: February 4th, 2017, 8:45pm Report to Moderator
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Hmmm...

There's something off with your software, the headers and footers seem off... and there's no cover page.

A few typos here and there.

For me this is a script of two halves, and I liked the first half... up to about half way through page 2, but when it hit the concentration camp - well that's when I think it crossed my own personal taste line...

Oddly I do think there's something here about an Exec so desperate that he'll got to extreme lengths but this missed the mark for me.  


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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stevemiles
Posted: February 5th, 2017, 5:49am Report to Moderator
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Richard,

In all I was expecting more subtlety from this - more biting satire, skewering the corporate TV world with this exec seriously trying to present this concept.  Instead this bounced around from one point to the next - the meeting to the show to the awards to a random newspaper headline where Jesus shows upÖ

Thing is I could see it happening - itís not without precedent.  Heil Honey Iím Home was a sitcom over here in the UK in 1990 - only the pilot was ever broadcast.  You have to imagine how the meeting for that transpired.  

Itís a fine line with this kind of satire and the subject and handling here missed the spot for me humour wise.

Steve  


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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Simon
Posted: March 12th, 2017, 12:42pm Report to Moderator
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A few mistakes, here and there, e.g. 'filed' instead of 'filled', and 'pleasant, smile, with boyish features', instead of 'pleasant smile, with boyish features'. You also use some very (very) mild 'maid and butler' dialogue, when you talk about the 'off the air pattern'. (Google it, if you don't know what that is). Overall, I think your concept is too offensive, but there were some funny parts. I particularly liked the canned laughter in response to the cheesy jokes. You say no one applauds, but I think it would be funnier, if one person applauded.


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