Transcending Man by Alex Shchebelskyy - Short, Sci Fi - In a world controlled by a sinister artificial intelligence named ALICE. Jackson Fletcher must risk it all to bring an end to the reign of robots. 11 pages

Treatment - pdf, format

New writer interested in feedback on this work

Hi Alex,

So before I even start reading, just going off your logline this sounds like Terminator.

ALICE = Skynet?

Jackson = John?

Will see how we go.

You can lose the scene numbers, all they are is distracting.

Quoted Text JACK is standing near a burning garbage can, he takes off his hood and takes a cigarette and a lighter, he starts smoking.

An age and small description of the character would be nice. It's passively written. Loose the "ing" where it's not required. Jack stands, he smokes.

Quoted Text JACK starts running

Another example, Jack runs. You only need to capitalise the character on first introduction.

The dialogue is very expositional, you are telling most of your story through dialogue.

Quoted Text INT./EXT. BUILDING - NIGHT

How can this be INT./EXT. If he is in the building it can only be INT. When he goes onto the roof the slug needs to change to EXT.

Quoted Text L-E (In a happy tone) Good morning Mr. Fletcher, it looks like you’ve had quite the accident. I am Model L78 Dash E, but you can call me Ellie.

Why not just call this character Ellie?

Can lose the smash cuts and cut to's.

Quoted Text ROBOT Well, that microchip has the power to wipe the hard drive of any robot.

Pretty handy information just to be dealing out.

Quoted Text JACK I’m, I’m one of you now.

You repeat this idea so many times, I feel like I get it.

Quoted Text JACK opens his hand to reveal the microchip.

Hmm... never saw that coming.

Quoted Text ALICE Oh, L-E, that microchip was the only way either of you were getting out of here alive.

I'm confused, haven't the last few pages been about how they have to/are trying to keep him alive?

Quoted Text JACK (O.S.) Who are we? Are we just biological and neurological systems? A bundle of cells that came to be by accident? Or are we something more, something created, something that evolved until it reached the heavens and it, too, became God. Maybe Darwin was a profit, machines are just the next step in the evolutionary chain. (MORE) JACK (O.S.) (CONT’D) And man is just a whimpering dinosaur, scared of being forgotten.

Just a little cringe worthy.

The relationship between Jack and L-E is too under developed to get the feeling you are going for.

Quoted Text JACK I always knew how to shut you down. Getting inside this facility was all part of the plan. When I jumped off the building I already had the microchip in my head. All I needed was to activate it. 7 7 ALICE This is, impossible. How could you have tricked me? L-E I helped him. ALICE What? You are nothing but a mindless nurse, how could you have helped. JACK She saw that I had the microchip in my head. She was in on it the whole time.

Too on the nose and way, way too expositional.

I didn't get the ending at all.

So yes it does have the slight undertone of Terminator but not in the way I thought it would.

Didn't really understand the overall message you were trying to get across.

Wasn't for me, but I hope the comments help in some way.

Best of luck.

Pretty much agree with all that Warren has already posted - so won't repeat.

One add - would be nice if you described the ROBOT when first introduced. I don't know if I suppose to see the Terminator or a rumba. e.g., is it metal - android looking, etc. etc.?

By 'profit' you mean 'prophet'. Obviously this script was inspired by The Terminator. Does the world really need another one of those films? Your writing is clever, however, and your script was like a mini emotional rollercoaster. A small point, you say 'at first they ridiculed the revolution', but many people are already very conscious about AI taking over, and at the moment, AI is in its early stages. You say 'If man was really created by nature, would it not be man's destiny to be destroyed by nature, and not machine?' I don't really know what you mean by this. People can die in any way, regardless of what created them. It sounded good, though.