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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Action/Adventure Scripts  ›  Anthropology Moderators: bert
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  Author    Anthropology  (currently 927 views)
Don
Posted: May 7th, 2017, 10:31am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Anthropology by Anton Pisotskiy - Action, Adventure - A young woman anthropologist ventures to Brazil to find traces of her missing father and makes some life-threatening discoveries. 128 pages

synopsis - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Cacutshaw
Posted: July 6th, 2017, 4:04pm Report to Moderator
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Read you script this afternoon. Boy, it is packed with a very intricate plot and a lot of history. This is great for the most part, but sometimes it seems the characters take a back seat. It seems the majority of the script is plot heavy and the characters are simply there to move the plot along (and they are interesting characters too). So when there are huge character moments, I don't really know how they should react. I was surprised with some of their actions because I am not quite grasping "who they are". And when Emily offhandedly uses a homophobic slur or goes on a drug binge or even doesn't have the reaction to Chloe's death i expected, it is a little offputting.

However, there is a really great story of Emily (and women for that matter) going to a male dominated society to create change, all motivated by the search for a "father". That's great.

Also, I think it might help if the conflict is introduced a little earlier, it seems they are simply searching and having flashbacks for a long time before they are actually "involved" in the story.
That said, great job. A very dense story with surprising twists.
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TheReccher
Posted: July 7th, 2017, 2:02pm Report to Moderator
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That narration. It's stopping me from moving on. Partially because it's blatant exposition, but also because they're big clunky run-on sentences.
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FMLS
Posted: July 9th, 2017, 8:26pm Report to Moderator
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Thought Iíd go through it since Iím Brazilian, but this is a tough read. Got to page 15 before I dropped it. All we got in 15 pages (of a supposed action flick) was tons of exposition through voice over narration, a drawn out board meeting and weird conversations thatíd never happen in real life.

We donít care about Emilyís father at this point, and we certainly donít care about Emily (since you used up all those pages providing backstory instead of furthering her character), so the audience has no real incentive to pay attention what youíre saying. The long monologue about her parents and her childhood counts as exposition, not character development, btw. Iíd suggest focusing on making either one of these characters empathetic to the audience first, then sprinkling the exposition (whatever isnít 100% necessary early on to get the plot moving) throughout the rest of the story.

Big Fish does a good job at this so you might want to give it a read (the screenplay is better than the movie, Iíd say). Paper Towns did a terrible job at this, so you might want to give that a watch -- try to see what not to do.

Good luck and keep on writing!



EDIT: forgot to mention it, but there's some good writing here -- you're clearly talented in that department. It's the story and plot that needs some work. I'm not sure why, but I especially liked this sentence: "In the audience young GRACE listens to him with unconcealed interest."
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TonyDionisio
Posted: July 10th, 2017, 10:17am Report to Moderator
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Damnit, get to the point!

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Anton,

I would make an adjustment to your logline.

A young woman anthropologist ventures to Brazil to find traces of her missing father and makes some life-threatening discoveries... [that call into question...] [that she must...]

The beginning is good, but we need a secondary, hopefully eventually a more important goal, after finding her missing father. Get that and you got something good going, in the logline at least.

Good luck.
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Anton
Posted: August 20th, 2017, 5:02pm Report to Moderator
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Cacutshaw, TheReccher, FMLS, TonyDionisio:
First of all, thanks a lot for your efforts to read the script.

As you probably guessed I'm not a professional screenwriter and looking back it was probably not the brightest idea to write in English which is not my native tongue

The idea I was infatuated with was to take some of the classic jungle movie themes (like idealistic white girl in search of her missing father, secluded exotic location, the scheming witchdoctor etc.) and put it in some highly contemporary context, while retaining an overall 'tongue-in-cheek' mood.

Judging from your comments I was not quite successful in relaying the whole idea in the script.

Cacutshaw: thanks for your advices, I agree 100% about the excessive use of flashbacks and narration in the story.

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Anton  -  September 16th, 2017, 6:15am
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