SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
Welcome, Guest.
It is August 18th, 2019, 11:47pm
Please login or register.
Was PortalRecent PostsHome Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion board, please send me a message. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship

Scripts Studios are posting for award consideration
The Beginners Guide to the SimplyScripts Discussion Board (WIP)

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production | Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the and domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Horror  ›  Dark Date
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    Dark Date  (currently 601 views)
Posted: May 13th, 2017, 2:33pm Report to Moderator

So, what are you writing?

Posts Per Day
Dark Date by John Cowdell - Short, Horror - A young woman soon discovers the dangers of online dating when she invites a handsome stranger back to her apartment after their date. 8 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Visit for what is new on the site.

You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Site Private Message
Posted: June 7th, 2017, 9:25pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer

Sydney, Australia
Posts Per Day

I haven't read anything in a while but thought Iíd get back into the swing of things.


So first up it's quite well written with regards to technique and format. I just didn't feel it had the substance to back it up.

I had several issues throughout.

Your character descriptions are so bland and unoriginal, surely you can come up with something better than this:

Quoted Text
SARAH, 20s, blonde and pretty, sits at a table with her date,
JAMES, 30s, dark and handsome.

The dialogue is on the nose, your characters literally say exactly what they're thinking which leaves no room for subtext, for example:

Quoted Text
This place is really nice.
Its Michelin starred.
Really? You sure know how to spoil
a girl on the first date.
Only the best for someone as
beautiful as you.
Sarah is flattered.
Youíre not too shabby yourself.


Now, where were we?
They kiss. James pulls away and stares at Sarah with hungry
Right around the part where I kill
He smiles wickedly, revealing bloodthirsty fangs. Sarah backs
away in fear.
Oh, my god. What the hell are you?
Jamesís face contorts into a mask of pure evil. A hideous,
demonic being.
Iím a vampire, you stupid bitch!
But I donít understand?
James laughs maniacally.
Thatís what I love about online
dating. Itís the perfect hunting
ground for people like me.
Sarahís fear gives way to anger.
Youíre absolutely right. It is the
perfect hunting ground. But that
cuts both ways.
James looks at her, confused.
For the record, Iím not stupid...
Sarah pulls out a wooden stake concealed in her robe.
...But I am a bitch!
She slowly circles James like a predator stalking its prey.
And just so you know. My parents
didnít just die. They were
murdered. Killed by you and your
bloodsucking friends!

So much of the dialogue is expositional. Let the actions tell the story not the words, or at the very least go for a better mix.

You have a few unfilmables. So if a script is meant to be visual it would be better for you to explain how these actions look rather than how they are written currently, for example:

Quoted Text
Sarah is flattered

A hint of attraction.

He starts undressing Sarah with his eyes

What are they physically doing that shows this happening, we canít read their minds.

This exchange was just cringeworhty:

Quoted Text
Nothing. Why donít I slip into
something a little more comfortable
How about I just slip into you
You donít waste any time, do you?
I like to make the most of my

I think some of you slugs can be turned into mini slugs once inside the house, but that's no big deal. I think it would just make the read flow slightly better.

As far as the story as a whole, not sure it was horrific in any way. Pretty generic stuff.

So again, I think the formal part is good, the content just needs work.

Best of luck with it

To View All My Scripts Please Use The Link Below

My Website

Private Message Reply: 1 - 3
Posted: September 2nd, 2017, 5:21am Report to Moderator
Been around a while

English, self taught comedy writer

Posts Per Day
'Oh my God, what the hell are you?' Up until this point I thought your script was pretty good. Even though Sarah knew James was a vampire, you still could have given the former a bigger reaction. From there, I think the writing was a little silly and underdeveloped and all the action kind of came out of nowhere. It was all a bit one sided, too. Maybe you could have given the vampire a little more power, to make things more interesting.

Please visit and like/follow my Unsubscribe fan page
.... or my Twitter page†(Ideally follow both).† I will return the favour. Also, check out the Unsubscribe trailer... :O :O :O
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 3
Posted: September 28th, 2018, 11:35pm Report to Moderator

San Antonio, Texas
Posts Per Day
Well, I read this hoping for something worth reading, especially when it involves a vampire.  The story started out fine, but then it turned into a "comedy".  This was not a horror in any way.  The minute Sarah asks, "Oh my God, what the hell are you?", and James responds with, "I am a vampire, you stupid bitch!", you lost me.  It made me think of a Stephen King movie, "Sleepwalkers", which was about werewolves.  Same concept, started out well, but then it turned into a comedy with the one liners.  Not impressed, and it is something that Stephen King isn't condoned to write in his books.  His movies are different from his books.

Regardless, if you are going to write a horror story, then make it a horror story.  Don't change the concept midway and make it a comedy.  Details were left out as well in your writings.  When James is eyeing Sarah, we don't know this.  We only read what you type about him looking at her.  Give some input on what James is thinking.  Something like this;

  "As James came into the living room, his eyes beheld Sarah in her silk robe.  James' heart began to beat faster, his eyes studied Sarah's shape, her figure, and her beauty.  The more James stared, the more his hunger grew for her, the more his desire for her ravaged his body".  Something like that.  Just a thought, that's all.

Let the reader know what James is thinking about Sarah, without letting out that he's a vampire.  You can play on words and hint that he's preparing to feast on her, but let the desire from James build until it is revealed who he really is, and what his purpose is with Sarah.  He doesn't want sex, he wants her blood.  

I also like the fact that Sarah is a "Vampire Hunter", who is hell-bent on destroying those who killed her parents.  Sarah has a shrine in a locked room, and a list of those who destroyed her parents.  Nice touch.  Shows that Sarah is vengeful, and somewhat of a vigilante.  That part is likeable, and believable.

Do some editing, and some re-writes.  You have something here, but make it more frightening.  Build up to revealing James' lust for Sarah's blood, and don't make it comical.  
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 3
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Horror  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on

Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006