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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    The Quickie Challenge  ›  Too Short - QC Moderators: MarkItZero
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Don
Posted: August 20th, 2017, 11:19pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Too Short by Blank Space - Short, Romantic Comedy - An aged man tries to hang himself after his lady tells him his dick is too short 3 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Warren
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 12:46am Report to Moderator
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Hi,

There are a few missing words that make it read awkwardly at times, probably just because of the time constraints.

The humour is lost on me. I don't envy you comedy writers, Its a bloody hard task.

Not for me unfortunately.


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Cooper
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 1:21am Report to Moderator
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Loved the first line.
He loves her = unfilmable.
fetal position is more common than fetus position.
I liked the ending and beginning. Some of the middle felt a bit clunky.


Am I on the right track with THIS ? Let me know.
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 3:57am Report to Moderator
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Not sure how I feel about this, the logline would put a lot of people off and it felt clumsy, a bit rushed but I kinda warmed up to it as I read it.

-Mark


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grademan
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 9:14am Report to Moderator
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A chuckler. Cute. A rough spot or two. The title may have given 'too little' away.
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hawkeye
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 9:42am Report to Moderator
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I did like how the ending tied back in to the first part of the story. I didn't like how he was going to kill himself because of the perception his dick was too short. I'm sure that would have been pointed out to him at some other time in his life, or that he was already aware of it. So that part of the story didn't work for me.

Actually, what I would have liked is that instead of trying to kill himself, he tries to run away in embarrassment, but hurts himself in a fall because the rope was too short, as was pointed out, then Mary could come visit him and explain what she meant. Might make for a sweet ending.

Good luck,
Gary


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Dustin
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 9:47am Report to Moderator
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I like Gary's ending better... go with that and you have a good story.


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DanC
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 2:03pm Report to Moderator
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I like Gary's ending better too.

I agree with everyone else.  

SPOILERS

So, the old guy who's dick is too short decides now to kill himself?  Not buying it...

As a guy past 50, trust me when I say biology happens and things don't work the same.  You deal...

Also, her sentence makes no sense in retrospect.  What's too short?  Did I miss something?

I didn't find it funny.  Or sad.  So, I don't know what you were going for.

And I also find it very hard to believe that the nursing home would have a room with a jump rope hanging from it so they could escape.  Escape and do what?  

I mean, they're old, where are they gonna do and with what money will they do it with??

Dan


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JEStaats
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 2:28pm Report to Moderator
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I can see the old guy laid out on the sidewalk and the old lady leaning out of a window saying "See, I told you it was too short."

It was a bit of a mess but I liked it. I also chuckled a couple of times as I've heard this age of Viagra has really changed the nightlife of a lot of retirement homes.

Good effort, clean it up and see what happens.
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MarkItZero
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 3:06pm Report to Moderator
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I guess I like the ending Hawkeye suggested. And the last line JEStaats mentioned.

There's not really enough material here for three pages even. You could just have him get up from the bed, furious, says he's gonna escape on his own. She's trying to explain she wasn't talking about his dick. He won't listen, climbs out, rope snaps. She looks down and says "Told you it was too short."


That rug really tied the room together.
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ajr
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 3:45pm Report to Moderator
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I sense that a Brit wrote this. I had to re-read it to catch that there was a rope there for their escape, so once you see that, you can guess the ending.

Best part of this for me is that it's categorized under romantic comedy - can we get Jennifer Aniston for Mary?


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Revision History (1 edits)
ajr  -  August 23rd, 2017, 2:23pm
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khamanna
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 4:49pm Report to Moderator
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Hi,
I don't think you should change the ending. The ending in this makes better sense than everything else. Besides, I like Hatties talk with the "tramp".
And making an old man climb out of the window.., but your call.
The middle is clunky, I suggest you work on the middle.
Now, if you need to change the ending to unclunk the middle then I say go for it.
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 5:10pm Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Sorry, I'm not going to bother reviewing this one.

Just... oh agh. Should have lied in the logline.

Protag shhuurely should have known that size doesn't matter.

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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denamckinnon
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 7:28pm Report to Moderator
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Ha I got a kick out of this one. Good job writing the dialogue and with the relationships.

I liked all your characters.

Love the ending... but the last blurb of dialogue I wanted to be a little better. I have no suggestion how to make it better but I just felt like it could've been funnier.

Great job. Love the use of the jump rope in this as both an escape route and a noose.
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Tyler King
Posted: August 22nd, 2017, 1:29am Report to Moderator
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A comedy? Where though? Didn't laugh once...looks like the writer fell SHORT of humor. Not for me.
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