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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board  ›  Unproduced Screenplay Discussion  ›  Sci Fi and Fantasy Scripts  ›  5 Seconds Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: September 14th, 2017, 6:25pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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5 Seconds by Reagan Trent - Sci Fi, Fantasy - Jonathan and his friends have to stop the man who cut off all oxygen for five seconds. 100 pages - pdf, format

New writer interested in feedback on this work


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Warren
Posted: September 14th, 2017, 7:52pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Reagan,

The stakes really don’t feel that high in your logline, most people can hold their breath for at least a couple of minutes. I obviously haven’t read the script, but I would encourage you to come up with a better logline. This doesn’t make me want to read the script.

All the best.


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eldave1
Posted: September 14th, 2017, 8:15pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



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Quoted Text
INT. JONATHAN’S HOUSE - MORNING

It begins with a fade sound in a hallway of a house. The
fade sound turns into music.

While you are in the hallway the angle turns to an open
door which is the bathroom.

You see a shower with a curtain around it. And then the
song you realize is jailhouse rock by Elvis Presley.

You get closer and closer to the curtain and then right
before you get to it you then change to JONATHAN’S face
inside the shower. His face is full of fright and the song
gets louder


This is going to need a lot of work.

You need to lose all the you - we.  

Don't start with it begins. We know it is the beginning. It's page 1.  

Put Hallway in your opening slug. Saves the need to do it later

What is a fade sound?

Sorry - but not good enough to read on.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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