The Bounce Back by Justin Blackstone - Short, Comedy - A guy helps his friend get over his girlfriend who just dumped him. 11 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Justin,

I thought this script was pretty good and I didn't notice any mistakes.

A few things though:

1. I think the dialogue between Andrew and Juine wasn't very natural and could be a cut down. For example:

          JUINE(CONT�D)
Well my parents weren�t very
creative with names, but they
didn�t wanna be predictable so they
added an I to it. Gave it a whole
new meaning. When I was younger my
mom used to say �If you wanna make
a difference or make something
special, just add I. Because I can
make a difference, and I can make
something special.�

Could be (and there is no need for "CONT�D":

        JUINE
My mom added the letter "I" to my name because "I" can
make a difference, and "I" can make
something special.� You get it? "I"?

2. The ending was flat. It's too straight forward, so basically: a guy gets dumped by his girlfriend and hooks up with another girl...is that all?

Try thinking of a twist ending, like Juine goes back to Andrew because she left her purse/phone and catches him speaking to Ricky and hears "fuck you Holly!".  She then realizes it was all a set up and pours drink over him, with Ricky laughing etc.

Hi Justin,

I think the dialogue was pretty funny and the characters have a lot of style. It felt like a mix between Entourage and How I Met Your Mother.

Although, I noticed there were some grammatical errors (words missing here and there) and passive sentences. Also, in general, I think it's best to avoid adverbs and words ending in -ing as much as possible. Doing that will tighten up your writing.

All the best,

Jo