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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  3rd and Goal Moderators: bert
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  Author    3rd and Goal  (currently 622 views)
Don
Posted: October 13th, 2017, 7:49pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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3rd and Goal by Vicky Neal - Drama - Against all odds, the first female quarterback drafted into the NFL battles prejudices, the loss of a loved one, and self-doubt as she leads her longtime losing team in the quest for a playoff berth. 120 pages

contests: 2004 Writesafe 5th Place Winner, 2005 Red Inkworks Finalist, 2005 Open Door Contest Second Round Finalist, 2005 PAGE Quarter Finalist, 2005 20/20 First Round Winner, 2005 Filmmakers International Top 100, 2005 Scriptapalooza Quarter Finalist, 2005 Scriptpartnership Monthly Winner, 2005 Open Door Contest 3rd Place Winner, 2005 WriteMovies.com Finalist, 2005 Austin Second Round, 2005 Writerís Network Quarter Finalist, 2005 RedInkworks Finalist, 2005 Get Initiative 3rd Place, 2006 Split Screenplay 15th Place Winner, 2006 Austin Second Round, 2006 Open Door Contest Semi-finalist, 2006 writemovies.com Semi-finalist, 2006 Filmmakers International Honorable Mention, 2007 PAGE International Quarter-finalist - pdf, format

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JakeJon
Posted: October 16th, 2017, 8:33pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Vicky,
I read your screenplay for two reasons:
1) Your logline:    Against all odds, the first female quarterback drafted into the NFL battles prejudices. . .
                           BOLD, DARING, DIFFICULT, INTERESTING.   Elicited a "must read" for me.
2) Your impressive contest results:  Great!

Unfortunately,  I was disappointed with your script.   My feedback is totally subjective.  Ya know,  JMO.

I really felt your script was way,way,way OVERWRITTEN.  Too many unnecessary plot points and conflicts.  Too much unnecessary sentimentality.  Too much game-time on-the-field exposition.  I felt you really diluted a potentially great story.  

Did you need  Jonathan, same team, aging quarterback emerging as her real father? Really?
The whole cheerleader thing.  Does it move the story forward?
The vicodin reliance?  Necessary?

I like sentimental stories but the whole Jenna-Daley kicking routine  was a bit too syrupy for me and maybe unnecessary.

The on the field dialogue needs work;  EXAMPLE:  Page 100
                         --Jenna takes the snap.  A TACKLE (#67) is on her.  Jenna
                          makes the throw, taking a late hit by the tackle.  A REF
                          throws a flag.  Dennis charges up to #67.
                                                   DENNIS
                                    What the hell's wrong with you?
At least he didn't say "Excuse me, What the hell's wrong with you?
and I don't think BUBBA  would growl. It's doubtful we would see the tackle swallow hard.

Football players rarely have conversations on the field and competitive players; nothing doing.
I liked the Bengal players stressing over Jenna being female and then the reverse protection and support they provide.  Finally team mates.
You convinced me that Jenna could definitely play in the NFL. Nicely done.

Anyway,
I sure would love to read a less diluted story.  120 pages was over the top.  Why the NFL? Perhaps the NCAA.

Regards,

JJ


Revision History (1 edits)
JakeJon  -  October 16th, 2017, 9:06pm
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Warren
Posted: October 16th, 2017, 9:56pm Report to Moderator
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Wow, thatís a lot of money on contests for one script. Is there such thing as a 15th place winner?

I hope you get some kind of payoff from it considering all you have invested in it.

All the best.


To View All My Scripts Please Use The Link Below

My Website

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Fausto
Posted: October 17th, 2017, 5:32pm Report to Moderator
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Vicky,
you fell into the "festival trap"...how much did you spend?
Good for you if you have that kind of money.
All my best,
Fausto
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