Pigeon by Baz Hogan - Drama, Gangster, Comedy - Career criminals smuggle diamonds into the country using an unconventional method. Caught in a whirlwind of calamity and karma is Sam, a simple young man trying to re-build his broken family. 111 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Any feedback is appreciated

Hey, Baz:

Page 1 has several problems.

Quoted Text FADE IN LONDON 2001

Okay, the opening is wrong, LONDON 2001 should be a super and as such superimposed over something. An example:

FADE IN

EXT. PUB - NIGHT

An old burgundy Land Rover is parked outside a typically
British public house....

SUPER: LONDON, 20011

Quoted Text EXT. COCK AND BULL PUBLIC HOUSE. LATE AFTERNOON. RAINING

Don't put the weather in your scene heading. This should simply be:

EXT. COCK AND BULL PUBLIC HOUSE - DAY

Quoted Text An old burgundy Land Rover is parked outside a typically British public house somewhere in London. Rain bounces off its bonnet with a random beat. The skies are grey, a sad winter like shade. A young boy sits in the front passenger seat, he’s around seven years old, wearing a thick coat and playing with a wooden bird. In the background is the Cock and Bull’s main bay window.

Several issues with the above.

1. Try to keep descriptive blocks to a max of 3 or 4 lines before breaking.
2. Unneeded details. We already know it is London and we already know that is is outside the
pub  house  from the above. No need to repeat data.
3. Too much prose - it's a screenplay - not a novel - something like:
4. You don't need the "is"
5. You did not properly intro the boy is a character thru CAPS

Grey skies. Rain bounces off the bonnet of an old burgundy Land Rover parked curbside.

A YOUNG BOY  (7), wearing a thick coat, sits in the front passenger playing  with a wooden bird.

That's all you need.

Quoted Text The boy looks up towards the pub window, his fathers silhouette is arguing with someone. Tom leaves the pub, angry, no attempt to cover his face from the pouring rain. He sits heavily into the drivers seat.

1. Really need a new scene heading since we are inside the car now.
2."His father" is an unfilmable (i.e., how would you shoot "his father"
3. Tom is not properly introduced as a character. No CAPS and we have no clue what he looks like.

Should be something like:

INT/EXT. LAND ROVER - DAY

The Young Boy looks towards the pub window. Spots a TOM (provide age/description) arguing with ANOTHER MAN.

Tom leaves the pub, no attempt to cover his face from the pouring rain.

He opens the drive side door of the Land Rover. Enters.

Just a quick peruse of the next several pages and I can see almost all of the scene headings are formatted incorrectly.

So - you may have a story here but you are ignoring screenwriting basics. You need to take time to learn them before proceeding.

Hope these notes help.

Thanks for the feedback!

The London 2001 would be written on the screen. So using SUPR: is appreciated as I hadn’t come across it before.
I’ve read a few scripts and see some do follow and some do bend the rules slightly. But what you have written is great feedback, I will go over the screenplay again and re-post. Editing unneeded text, and breaking up the descriptive text also.
If you do have a chance to read the full script (painful as that must be if the work isn’t formatted correctly) any feedback towards the story would be much appreciated. I know there is a good project there, just need to chip away some more. 👍 thanks again. Baz

Quoted from Baz Thanks for the feedback! The London 2001 would be written on the screen. So using SUPR: is appreciated as I hadn’t come across it before. I’ve read a few scripts and see some do follow and some do bend the rules slightly. But what you have written is great feedback, I will go over the screenplay again and re-post. Editing unneeded text, and breaking up the descriptive text also. If you do have a chance to read the full script (painful as that must be if the work isn’t formatted correctly) any feedback towards the story would be much appreciated. I know there is a good project there, just need to chip away some more. 👍 thanks again. Baz

Glad it helped

Going though the project again. Just wondering do I still use a  characters name in caps if the character is introduced in a conversation, but not on the screen....

MAN
we have to meet Peter later

MAN 2
ok

Would ‘Peter’ be in CAPS? Or is CAPS used only when the character is introduced on screen in person?

Thanks in advance. Baz

When they are first seen on the scene is when you should into them

Thank you so much for the critique and help. Il re-post the finished play shortly, and hope you will give it another go to see your advice put into action.
Thanks again