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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  Dead on Time Moderators: bert
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  Author    Dead on Time  (currently 460 views)
Don
Posted: November 5th, 2017, 4:50pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Dead on Time by Amarjit Bhatti - Drama, Romance, Supernatural - After he's given compelling evidence of his imminent demise by a mysterious stranger, Christopher Knight, a high-flying but arrogant and selfish lawyer, is forced to reassess his life and decides to track down his long-lost first love. 86 pages - pdf, format

New writer interested in feedback on this work


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PrussianMosby
Posted: November 22nd, 2017, 4:46pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Amarjit,

I just read into Dead On Time

Solid title

I like the logline; made me open the script.

Drama, Romance, Supernatural is an unclear genre reference

Good first page, I especially liked the last line, ending with a mystery/question. That's how a hook works I think.

It must be said that I immediately felt reminded to this opening…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=768lISZY9oE

What do you think?

P4 it's good, does work, well thought out situation regarding how to show the ruthless lawyer character

P5/6 Yep it's very good

P7 Darius appearance regarding his exact function isn't clear enough presented. You needed a lot of sentences/words to make me understand the context that there's really a supernatural being in the room. As presented I felt it could be meant metaphorical like his older brother is like an angle, a good soul etc… That's really a huge shift from the reality you set-up, so the descriptions here should be rethought to make it clear what's going on imo

Not a big problem though… just what I felt, like: Guardian Angel, timeless black clothes etc. could mean everything--

How could he look exactly so that we experience ourselves there's something strange going on?

See it as a tiny note only.

A lot of great dialogue follows then…

Second half of p9 try to get some movement into the picture. There's not enough happening. Again a tiny note cause the dialogue is great; just give some entertainment for the eyes as well… be it some distraction, anything…

Well, this "establishing Darius and death scenario" could possibly take place in a more vivid situation. There doesn't have to be much more action like an Exterior shot, but somehow something more subtle, a more personal situation of Christopher. Don't know,,, Angel could play piano or shit you know… bring in some color and visuals in there.

Although, I must say this is just another tiny note. In general, it does work.


Principally, this is a superb performance of you. There's so much conflict, characterization, plot movement, everything the first ten should accomplish. I'm impressed of your presentation; it's so smooth and focused same time -- flow is just awesome…

Enough praise. I'd definitely read on here. I'm just not sure if you interact on the board yet and exchange your thoughts and knowledge with others, so I stay with my ten pages Review so far until you show up here and show you're active on the board (if you hadn't yet).

So far great stuff, Amarjit. Chapeau!

Alex





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