C.I.E.D. by Kavuma Mathew G.Q - Short, Thriller, Sci Fi - A couple welcomes a new member to the family but not the invasive visits from the company that made it all possible. 11 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

This really built up well an eerie pristine atmosphere, with a good sense of  foreboding. it got increasingly tense up to the end of its 11 pages. And the Sci-Fi aspects should really work well on a low budget. Probably the most expensive part of this is going to be that 'trachea' scene, but I'm sure it can made to work well with some well angled shots, and lots of tomato puree!
This is a good character piece. You really give the actors a chance to express themselves, even old grandpa's voice on the phone. The montage through the years is nice and succinct.

Few Typos:
Pg. 1 '?' after Anything we should be worried about.

Pg. 2  That can be been done immediately - take out 'Done'.

Pg. 3 '?' after you a moment to sort this out.

Pg. 10  beisde her should be  ‘beside’ her.
We need to leave to now = take out second 'to'.


Good luck with it. I think it could make a really good short.

thanks for the read HyperMatt and for the corrections, i'll work on them ASAP!

Sure. It's a good one.

Sorry, I made a typo on your typo

Pg. 2  That can be been done immediately - take out  'be'.

Quoted Text INT. OFFICE - DAY We see a spotless white modern office, ambient light enters from the large glass window with a terrace overlooking the landscape.

Lose the we see. Not needed.

You don't need to repeat information that is in your heading (office) in your description.
Don't need to describe the light as ambient if it is coming thru the window - it's ambient by definition.

Should simply be something like:

INT. OFFICE - DAY

Spotless white and modern. Light enters
from the large glass window with a terrace overlooking the
landscape.

Quoted Text Attached to the wall, a monogram logo in baby blue; PaGan

Should be baby blue: "PaGan."

Quoted Text ALEX TRENT, 30, tall, dress shirt with folded sleeves, khaki pants and brown shoes, goes through his phone

Wouldn't bother with his shoe color - also maybe scrolls rather than goes through his phone

You have issue with basic grammar that you need to address. This from just the the first two pages.

Quoted Text ALEX They said 11am.

eleven A.M.

Quoted Text SUSAN My name's Susan, sorry to keep you waiting, we had an emergency meeting.

Run on sentence. Put a period after waiting. Start new sentence with We...

Quoted Text KEREN Anything we should be worried about.

Need ? at end

Quoted Text SUSAN Oh no, nothing like that. So Mr. And Mrs. Trent. You want to have a baby.

Need ? at end

Quoted Text ALEX Yes, we already did the test, they told us to come today and see if we qualify.

period after test. Start new sentence with They...

Grammerly is a free tool you may want to try.

All the best.

Thanks for pointing those out Eldave1 and for the tip. Am always looking to improve.

Quoted from Kavuma Thanks for pointing those out Eldave1 and for the tip. Am always looking to improve.

My pleasure - best of luck