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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Long Live The King Moderators: bert
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  Author    Long Live The King  (currently 667 views)
Posted: November 19th, 2017, 10:42am Report to Moderator

So, what are you writing?

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Long Live The King by Marcus "BOZ" Walton - Short, Drama - A former Kingpin is setting out to buy and expand business' for family gain.  11 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

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24 Grams
Posted: November 22nd, 2017, 7:35am Report to Moderator

Me? I always tell the truth...Even when I lie.

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No comments yet, but I gave this a read.

It was okay story-wise but nothing really happens and the ending didnít have any impact on me.

I noticed many spelling errors in this (particularly with the lack apostrophes and ďsĒís in general  in the dialogue) and I think you need to revise your scene headings.

I also think you have far too many characters for an 11 page short, short films are typically self-contained...the fewer the contents you have the more impactful it is. The amount of characters also made it confusing at times.

Another thought I had reading this was that the first scene isnít really necessary, itís mostly exposition. Iíve found that if you withhold certain information from readers (audiences) and reveal enough and at the right times, you can intrigue them just enough to keep watching/reading.

King lives in a big mansion, how does this affect the story? Why does he want to buy the club from Henry so bad? Why does Henry have so much animosity towards King? Why is it relevant that King is half-Indian and half-black? I can go on.

This needs more work.

Back Fence Talk (22pgs)

Robert Frost - ďHalf the world is composed of people who have something to say and canít, and the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it.Ē
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