Long Live The King by Marcus "BOZ" Walton - Short, Drama - A former Kingpin is setting out to buy and expand business' for family gain.  11 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

No comments yet, but I gave this a read.

It was okay story-wise but nothing really happens and the ending didn’t have any impact on me.

I noticed many spelling errors in this (particularly with the lack apostrophes and “s”’s in general  in the dialogue) and I think you need to revise your scene headings.

I also think you have far too many characters for an 11 page short, short films are typically self-contained...the fewer the contents you have the more impactful it is. The amount of characters also made it confusing at times.

Another thought I had reading this was that the first scene isn’t really necessary, it’s mostly exposition. I’ve found that if you withhold certain information from readers (audiences) and reveal enough and at the right times, you can intrigue them just enough to keep watching/reading.

King lives in a big mansion, how does this affect the story? Why does he want to buy the club from Henry so bad? Why does Henry have so much animosity towards King? Why is it relevant that King is half-Indian and half-black? I can go on.

This needs more work.